Ever felt unappreciated?  Ever felt taken for granted?    Ever found yourself doing everything for everyone else while no one seemed to do anything (or much) for you?  Well, I certainly have.  And it’s not a good feeling.

Here’s three ideas to tackle these feelings head on - and no it doesn’t involve yelling at your partner or your kids.

1. Appreciate yourself

It is lovely to be admired by others - but how often do we admire ourselves?  How often do we recognise the hard work and love we contribute to our families. How often do we stop and reflect on our bounty?

We’re more likely to beat ourselves up for things we ‘didn’t do’ or ‘didn’t do well’ or ‘didn’t do well enough’.

If you like approval or validation from others, perhaps it’s time for some self-approval and self-validation.

Even if others don’t always voice their appreciation, you can appreciate yourself.

2. Appreciate others

When living busy demanding lives, we can forget to acknowledge others.

It’s easy to think our partners have the better deal because they get to ‘go to work’ or they get to ’stay at home’.  But oftentimes, no one has the better deal - the roles are different but equally demanding.

How often do you thank your partner for picking up the dry cleaning, caring for the kids all day, bringing home the bacon?  Probably not as often as you could.

By voicing your appreciation  for others, it might just be reciprocated.

3. Think differently

Instead of thinking, ‘I spent hours cooking a beautiful meal that the kids hardly touched.  No one appreciates me!’  Think, ‘It’s the end of the week, and the kids are tired.  They can have leftovers tomorrow - which means tomorrow I don’t have to cook at all!’

Instead of thinking, ‘My partner’s working late again, and I’ve got to deal with the kids again. No one appreciates me!’ Think, ‘My partner is busy at work, and is under a lot of pressure. Instead of getting angry, we need to talk about how we can help each other. We’ll sit down over the weekend, and talk about it.’

We all go through times of feeling unappreciated. But the resentment doesn’t have to build until you explode.

Instead, try appreciating yourself, voicing your appreciation for others, and thinking a little differently. It just might help!

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing

The evidence keeps piling up to show what should already be known and understood:

Working mums are not bad for babies.

Findings from the Growing Up in Australia: The Longitudinal Study of Australian Children found that there is little difference between how much time the babies of working mothers are held, cuddled and read to compared to the babies of full time stay at home mothers.

Australian Institute of Family Studies Research Fellow Dr Jennifer Baxter said the findings indicated that babies of working mothers did not miss out on activities that were considered to be beneficial - in particular being hugged or cuddled, and being read or talked to.

“And while babies spent less time with their mother if she was in paid work, this time appeared to be made up by the babies’ fathers and with other relatives such as grandparents.”

Okay.  Enough said.

Vivien Giannopoulos is a Psychology Honours student from Monash University in Melbourne. She is currently researching wellbeing. And would love your assistance. Find out more about participating in her research.

What is your research about?

I’m looking into peoples well-being. I’m interested in looking at interventions which are thought to increase people’s levels of happiness and positive emotion.

Why are you researching happiness?

This research is important because it will assist health professionals to gain a better understanding of how interventions can help people become happier.

It will also help to determine whether an individuals happiness orientation, that is, whether they seek happiness primarily through pleasure, engagement or meaning, influences how effective the intervention is at making people happier.

In today’s world where more and more people are sufferring from stress, depression, and anxiety what could be more important that figuring out what helps make people happier?

What is happiness orientation about?

There are thought to be three main ways to experience happiness.  The first is through pleasure.  The main goal here is to maximise pleasure and minimize pain. The pusuit of pleasure in the modern Western world is widely endorsed as a way to achieve satisfaction, i.e. ‘dont worry-be happy’

The second way is happiness through meaning.  That is about being true to one’s inner self, identifying one’s virtues, cultivating them and living in accordance with them.

The emphasis here is that people develop what is best within themselves and then use these skills and talents in the service of greater goods including in particular the welfare of other people or humankind at large, i.e. ‘be all that you can be and make a difference’

The third way is happiness through engagement.  This orientation has been influenced by the concept of ‘flow’: the psychological state that accompanies highly engaging activities. Time passes quickly, attention is focused on the activity, the sense of self is lost and the aftermath of the flow is invigorating. Flow is nonemotional and nonconscious.

What makes you happy?

Family and friends

Why should people get involved in your research?

As I mentioned above this type of research could help benefit many people and getting involved could also give you an idea of what you can do personally to improve your own levels of happiness.

Find out more about Vivien’s wellbeing research and how you can participate.

I am flabbergasted. 

On Thursday, Green’s Senator Sarah Hanson-Young’s toddler, Kora, was ejected from the Australian federal Parliament.

Sarah was humiliated and Kora was distressed.

For me it was a signal of how far we haven’t come.  And how far we still need to go.

Are workplaces so inflexible?  YES, they obviously are.

But that’s only part of the story.  What came next, when public opinion kicked in, was appalling.

Sarah was accused of staging a political stunt, of not doing her job properly and of being a bad mother.

Are people so unsupportive of working parents, particularly working mothers?  YES, they obviously are!

And we wonder why working parents struggle.

Not only do working parents beat themselves up about whether they are doing the right thing by their children, themselves and their workplace, they are then lambasted by segments of society that tell them:

“It’s your choice to have kids so don’t complain.”

“But you better raise decent kids or we’ll blame you.”

…and now…

“Don’t let parenting interfere with your work or else.”

Working parents are not a bunch of whingers asking for sympathy and handouts.

They are simply trying to work and raise kids in workplaces and, clearly, a society that won’t accept change.

Parenting is a social good.  And so is working.

It’s no longer about either/or.  It’s about both.

The sooner we accept this and get on with making our workplaces, communities and society more work-family friendly, the better.

We know from wellbeing research that a good life is a meaningful life.  And a meaningful life is made up of meaningful moments.

Getting a promotion, having a baby, or getting married are all incredibly life affirming, life changing, meaningful experiences.

We know they are meaningful because we celebrate them with family, friends and colleagues.

But meaningful moments do not have to be momentous to be beneficial.

Meaningful moments can be much smaller, subtler experiences that add texture, interest and value to your life.

Unlike significant life events, these small moments can often go unnoticed.  No one sends a gift, takes lots of happy snaps or makes a fuss.  Life goes on.

But you can acknowledge these moments.  You can stop and reflect and recognise these experiences for what they are.

One way to do this is to create your very own Connection Tree.

A Connection Tree recognises that often our most meaningful moments are when we connect to others - the people we love, and ourselves.

Creating a Connection Tree

1. Write down a list of the most important people or areas of your life you would like to regularly connect with.  The categories can change.  Just come up with a list that feels right for you right now.  My list at the moment looks something like this:

Connect with my husband

Connect with my daughter

Connect with my son

Connect with others

Connect with my career

Connect with my health

Connect with me

2. At the end of the day when lying in bed, go through your list and think of moments where you connected with all the important areas of my life.  You can either write them down or just think about them.  For example, the other day, my Connection Tree looked like this:

Connect with my husband
We are finally going to landscape our background and we chatted about the kind of garden we wanted and the things we will be able to do in our backyard when it’s complete.

Connect with my daughter
My daughter was tired and wanted to have some quiet time so we lay on her bed and read a book together.

Connect with my son
My son had made a cafe in the kitchen.  Instead of telling him to tidy it all up, I sat down at one of his tables while he served me a coffee concoction.

Connect with others
I rang my mum to see how she is going and we arranged to meet up on Tuesday.

Connect with my career
I devised a better system for managing my emails and to do list.

Connect with my health
I went for a run this morning.

Connect with me
Once the kids were in bed, I sat down with a cup of tea and read for half an hour.

3. You can also use the time to think about the next day and how you plan to connect with the important areas of your life.

It is a simple exercise.  But it can bring wonderful rewards for several reasons:

1. You are acknowledging meaningful moments.

2. You are thinking about how you can create more meaningful moments.

3.  And you are being the person you want to be.

This exercise keeps me honest.  Am I getting carried away by my career?  Am I sharing special moments with my family?  Am I doing something for myself every day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Connection Tree.  Will it work for you?

by Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing

Are you a working parent? Then, tell us about your work family wellbeing in a quick online survey.

I am working with Sophie Mumford, a Masters student in Psychology at The University of Adelaide, who is conducting research on how to improve working parents’ wellbeing.

And we would love you to participate to this unique and exciting project.

All you need to do is complete a quick 10 minute online survey by clicking the link below:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

The survey will ask you about your workplace environment, and your satisfaction with life and work.

The survey will also ask general demographic questions such as your age range, gender and the number of hours you work.

Your participation will remain completely confidential.

And as a personal thank you for participating, you have the chance to win from a pool of exciting prizes, including chocolate, books and beauty products.

And please forward onto friends and colleagues - both women and men - so we can hear from as many working parents as possible.

The collected data will be used to complete Sophie’s Masters thesis under the supervision of Professor Helen Winefield at the University of Adelaide.

All you need to do to participate is complete a quick 10 minute online survey by clicking the link below:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

If you would like to receive a summary of the research findings, please send your contact details (email or postal) to sophie.mumford@student.adelaide.edu.au.

This study has been given approval by the Adelaide University Ethics Committee. If you have any queries about the ethical approval, please contact the convener of the Subcommittee for Human Research in the School of Psychology, Dr. Paul Delfabbro on 08 8303 5744.

Any other questions can be directed to myself at Parent Wellbeing, info@parentwellbeing.com.au or Professor Helen Winefield at the University of Adelaide, helen.winefield@adelaide.edu.au

To complete the quick 10 minute online survey please click on the link below.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

Thank you! We look forward to hearing your views!

Courtesty of Zenhabits

A little trick I like to use to make my days much more pleasant is to find little, simple pleasures and sprinkle them throughout my day.

They’re not big things, but they each simple pleasure can translate to a great day if you use them right.

So in the morning, I might have a cup of coffee, and sip it slowly to enjoy it fully. I might read a gripping novel, and revel in the world of fiction. I might watch the sun come up, and marvel at the world in pastel hues.

For breakfast, I might put berries on my cereal … and I just love berries. I savor each one, closing my eyes. In the shower, I might also close my eyes, and just let the cool water run over me (I live on a tropical island, so cool water is a nice thing).

You get the idea - these are little things, and don’t really cost a thing (or not much, anyway), but they are tremendously satisfying. I’ve just described some of the things I might do to start off my day, but the possibilities are endless, and can be done throughout the day.

I thought it would be fun to compile a list of simple pleasures, to give you all some ideas of what I mean, and to spark other ideas of your own. Of course, you can probably come up with a thousand more, and it should also be noted that one person’s pleasures aren’t always pleasures for others.

1. Berries … mmmm.
2. Walking barefoot in grass.
3. Listening to good music in the car.
4. Taking a long, relaxing shower.
5. Coffee.
6. A good novel.
7. Popcorn and an old movie on DVD.
8. The smell of fresh-cut grass.
9. Watching the sunrise.
10. Walking on the beach.
11. A gentle morning run.
12. Yoga or stretching or meditation.
13. Snuggling in bed with your partner.
14. Watching the sunset.
15. Hugging your child tightly.
16. Good wine.
17. Dark chocolate.
18. Dancing like you’re crazy.
19. Telling jokes till your sides ache.
20. A long conversation with a good friend.
21. Root beer float.
22. Kissing in the rain.
23. Being lazy on a Sunday.
24. Waking to a clean house.
25. An uncluttered room.
26. Banana split.
27. Pillow fights.
28. Fries and a chocolate milkshake.
29. Singing in the shower, loudly.
30. Dancing in the rain and stomping in puddles.
31. Watching your child play.
32. Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.
33. Helping someone in need.
34. Making someone smile.
35. Homemade pie.
36. A nature hike.
37. Laying back and watching the stars.
38. Making a sandcastle.
39. Floating in the water.
40. Taking an afternoon nap.
41. Serving your spouse a surprise breakfast in bed.
42. Watching your children on Christmas morning.
43. Laying back and looking up at clouds.
44. Watching the ocean.
45. Getting a massage.
46. Reese’s peanut butter cups.
47. PB&J sandwich.
48. Iced green tea.
49. Playing footsie.
50. Acting crazy in public.
51. Seeing your savings account grow.
52. Seeing your debt shrink.
53. Taking a hot bath.
54. Blowing bubbles.
55. A gentle breeze.
56. The feeling after a good workout.
57. Checking something off your to-do list.
58. Snuggling together under the covers on a stormy day.
59. Coen brother movies.
60. Watching your kids play soccer.
61. Playing a good game of basketball.
62. The smell of a new Moleskine notebook.
63. Writing on good paper with a good pen.
64. A clear desk.
65. Fresh popped popcorn.
66. A fresh snow.
67. Swinging on a swing.
68. Homemade strawberry shortcake.
69. Watching animals in nature.
70. An empty email inbox.
71. Playing hooky.
72. A very slow and sensual night with your partner.
73. Staying up all night talking.
74. Having a picnic.
75. Swimming at night.

What are a few of your favorite simple pleasures?

Courtesty of Zenhabits

Recipe courtesty of The Food Coach.

Dairy free, Low carbohydrate, Low fat, Low GI

An easy, light soup perfect for winter, packed full of nutrition thanks to the fresh vegies and mushrooms.

Ingredients

1 carrot finely diced
1 stalk celery, finely diced
1 tsp thyme
½ cup barley, soaked in hot water for approx 30 mins
1 large clove garlic, crushed
1 tbsp olive oil
300 grams flat mushrooms, sliced
2 litres stock

Preparation

Saute the carrot, celery, garlic and mushrooms in olive oil for 10 minutes.

Method

Add the barley and stock and simmer for 45 minutes.

Makes 4 servings

Recipe courtesty of The Food Coach.

A study to be published in next month’s Journal of Research in Personality has found that having lots of money, good looks, or fame won’t necessarily improve your life.

The new study by three University of Rochester researchers demonstrates that pursuing money, beauty and success can actually make you less happy.

The study shows that it is important to have goals but that not all goals are created equal.

Pursuing goals of wealth and fame don’t necessarily contribute to having a satisfying life.

What’s more important is growing as an individual, having loving relationships, and contributing to your community.

The research tracked 147 alumni from two universities during their second year after graduation.

They assessed participants in satisfaction with life, self-esteem, anxiety, physical signs of stress, and the experience of positive and negative emotions.

The research showed that the more committed a person is to a goal, the greater the likelihood of success.

But the analysis showed that getting what you want is not always good for you.

Reaching materialistic and image-related goals can actually decrease your wellbeing.

The study found that these people experienced more negative emotions like shame and anger and
more physical symptoms of anxiety such as headaches, stomachaches, and loss of energy.

By contrast, people who valued personal growth, close relationships, community involvement, and physical health were more satisfied when they reached their goals.

They experienced a deeper sense of well-being, more positive feelings toward themselves, richer connections with others, and fewer physical signs of stress.

According to the researchers, striving for wealth and fame doesn’t satisfy deep human needs.

But building lasting and caring relationships does.

My dad passed away a week ago after a long battle with cancer.

I’m still understanding what it means to me and my life to lose a parent.

I only began truly appreciating my parents, and all they have done for me, when I became a parent myself almost 6 years ago.

As parents we often do what we do without much recognition.  And I certainly took my parents for granted.

But when I knew my dad had terminal cancer, I realised it was an opportunity to think about what my dad meant to me, and to recognise his impact on my life.

And it was also an opportunity to tell him - before it was too late.

A year ago I wrote my dad a gratitude letter.  I wrote about why I was grateful that he was my dad.  Then I gave him the letter.

It was the same letter that my brother read out at my dad’s eulogy.  But fortunately, this was a eulogy that my dad had already heard.

In the gratitude letter, I told him that:

He taught me the value of setting goals, and working hard to achieve them.

He instilled in me a strong sense of family and the importance of being there for each other.

He had been himself - and he taught me the importance of me being myself.

I also told him that I loved him very, very much.

My parents have always been around to help and support me.  Always.

Whenever I needed anything I could call or visit.

Now I can’t go and visit my dad anymore.

If I need him, I’ll have to reach him in my dreams or in my thoughts or in my heart.

It is a huge loss. But I am very grateful that he was my dad.  Very grateful indeed.