Half Full - Science for Raising Happy Kids wrote recently about the vexed question of whether you should stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids.

As a society, we tend to believe that parents are better off if parents stay together.  That is certainly what previous generations did.

But research clearly shows that:

“It is the quality of parents’ relationships with each other, rather than whether they are married or single, that matters most for kids’ well-being.”

This highlights how a parent’s emotional wellbeing affects their kid’s wellbeing.

We all experience challenging emotions.  What’s important is how we deal with them - and how our children see that we deal with them.

Parents in conflict who have difficulty controlling their aggression or anger are most likely to be doing a disservice to their children.

Phil and Carolyn Cowan from UC Berkeley found that unresolved conflict and unhappiness in a parent’s relationship can lead to children with more aggressive behavior, more shy and withdrawn behavior, and worse social and academic skills.

Separating may therefore be the best option.

But continuing to show aggression and anger to your partner even once separated - won’t help your children either.

Parents who can find a way to respect their children’s other parent - even if they no longer love or respect the person - are doing the best by their kids.

Because whether you separate or not - unless you completely cut yourself off from your kids - you will need to communicate with your ex-partner.  And you want the relationship to be as civil and adult as possible.

I’m always saddened when people who have invested a lot of energy and emotion into a relationship separate without first trying to get some form of outside help.

Counselling may lead you back together - and in a happier place.

Or it may lead you apart - but with a resolve to work together for the good of the kids.

Either option seems better than living in an unhappy and acrimonious relationship.   Better both for you and your children.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 at 3:45 am and is filed under Parenting, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.