Parents versus children – Who’s needs come first?
I was flabbergasted. I had just read an article by a parenting publication that pitted parent against child, that
painted parenting in terms of black and white, and that purported to support parents whilst undermining individual differences.
‘There are only two parenting styles’, the article retorted, ‘one that meets the child’s needs and one that meet’s the parents’ needs.’ And never the twain shall meet.
Differences of opinion
My major struggle when first becoming a parent over six years ago was the barrage of conflicting information that overwhelms inexperienced and uncertain first-time mothers. The you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ language which all too often pervades expert language, and which sabotages new mother confidence.
Differing opinions on baby care abound in bucket-loads. One stark example is sleep. Some experts tell you to ‘teach’ your baby to sleep, which involves, to varying degrees, leaving your baby to cry. Other experts on attachment parenting advocate sleeping with your baby and never letting her cry. Both tend to suggest that their method is ‘best for baby’. But since they advocate diametrically opposed approaches, how can they both be right?
Best for baby or best for parents?
I like a measure of routine, order and independence for my baby and myself, so I lean towards the teaching to sleep rather than attachment parenting. But I acknowledge that my style of parenting is not solely about what method is ‘best for baby’, nor which method is superior. Instead, my style of parenting reflects the person that I am, and what is best for me - and my baby.
In reality, what is best for parents is often closely aligned with what is ‘best for baby’. If you are uncomfortable letting your baby cry, or if you don’t like co-sleeping, following someone else’s methods won’t work. Parents decide how to care for their children based on the people that they are. This is not selfishness, or a reason to feel guilty. This is realistic.
When you love and care for your children in a way that is consistent with your philosophies and beliefs you provide your children the best possible care. And you also recognise that parenting is a combination of art and science.
Science is helpful. That is, knowing a child’s developmental abilities and limitations helps you better understand your child’s behaviour, and better manage your own expectations. But art is equally important.
The parent-child relationship is one of the deepest, most engaging and most intriguing relationships we can experience. The love for a child is unparallel. Raising a child evokes love and angst in almost equal measures. There is amazement at the child you have created, and remorse for the version of ‘you’ you have left behind. This is often not talked about because children are a gift. But it is felt.
Parenting -the right way…
There are as many ways to care for a child as there are parents on this planet. There is no one right way, and there certainly isn’t a blanket: ‘best for baby’ and therefore ‘bad for parents’ or ‘best for parents’ and therefore ‘bad for baby’ unless the parameters include neglect or abuse.
Every significant relationship in our lives is a dynamic interchange between two people. Our baby bring as much to the relationship as we do. They are not innocent observers. From day one, they are active participants. We teach them, and they teach us. We learn from them, and they learn from us. We love them, and they love us.
There is no black versus white, us versus them, my needs versus your needs. Instead, there is a unique connection which fuels a life together. A life which is rich with intense emotion, unexpected insights, and deep reciprocity.
There is no more amazing a job than being a parent. But there is also no job more difficult. We all find our way through the parenting quagmire by filtering advice, harking back to our own upbringing and going with our gut. There is no other way. Adhering to someone else’s strict view of a ‘good parent’, a ‘good child’ and a ‘good family’ is ultimately unfulfilling, unsustainable, and not ‘good’ for anyone.
Judging others
Judging other parents by their own or their child’s behaviour is commonplace, and can happen instinctively. We declare, ‘I would never let my baby cry for that long’, so we go to our baby whenever she cries. We think, ‘She gave up on breastfeeding so easily’, as we persevere with breastfeeding. We notice, ‘She speaks so calmly and patiently to her baby’, and we try to do the same.
We are all different, even though we share a common moniker, so we make different choices about how to care for our children. There is no harm in making judgements to determine what kind of parent you want to be. But harm can be done if you impose your judgements on others. If you openly criticise others, you undermine somebody else’s choices.
By keeping an open mind about how we care for our children, and how others care for theirs, we share the trials and the triumphs of parenting. When we pit ‘parent against child’ or ‘parent against parent’ or ‘child against child’, we oversimplify what is a complex, multi-dimensional, multi-layered relationship.
There are more than two styles of parenting. There are many. And both parents’ needs and children’s needs are equally valid. Because that is where the twain does meet.
Tags: advice for parents, best for baby, caring for your children, parenting advice, parents and children
