Okay, there’s long been talk that women, in particular, can’t ‘have it all’. 

The argument goes that we were duped by feminism when we were told we could be amazing mothers, career zealots and domestic goddesses, whilst still getting enough beauty sleep.

The modern day mantra now goes that we can’t ‘have it all’.  There are only so many hours in the day, and fuel in the tank so something has to give.

I don’t entirely disagree with ‘there are only so many hours in the day’ argument. But I want to challenge semantics.

I do believe you can ‘have it all’.  I just don’t think you can ‘do it all.’

People say to me, How do you find time to run a business, raise two kids, and write books?

It is simple.  There are many other things I don’t do including:

I don’t keep a pristinely clean and tidy house
One of the major domestic duties that goes astray in our house is putting away clean clothes.  The clothes go from the dirty clothes basket into the washing machine, onto the line, and then into the spare room where they get dumped into piles.  Looking for something to wear?  It’s probably in the spare room.

But my domestic life is relatively ordered.  There are decent meals, set bed times, and lots of love.

I don’t have as many hours as I would sometimes like to work on my business
My husband and I are both business owners with a fair degree of flexibility.  And we negotiate pick ups and drop offs depending on who is interstate, who has meetings and who has important functions.  I often fit my work around my kids - and work nights and weekends to make up time.  But sometimes I wish I could work more.

Instead, I’ve had to learn to work a bit smarter.  I’ve learnt to be more efficient, better focused, and to celebrate my achievements.

I don’t get time to read for pleasure
One of my greatest indulgences has been to curl up and get completely engrossed in a good book. Unfortunately, with lots to do and interrupting kids, I rarely get the opportunity to indulge.

But on holidays, I always head off to the bookshop and the library, get a stack of books and work my way through as many as possible.

As a working mum, I don’t believe I can do it all.

But I do believe I can have it all - because, to me, having it all means living a good life.

This is what I have:

I have a wonderful family
My kids amaze me every day.  Watching them grow into little people is an incredible privilege. And I also have a wonderful husband.  He is a true partner.

I have a wonderful job
I absolutely love my work.  Writing books, developing and delivering workshops, and helping people enjoy work and life is my passion.

I have a wonderful life
My life is rich and fulfilling, and although it is difficult and demanding at times, I still feel incredibly blessed.

I can’t do everything I would like to do.  But I can have a good life.  And to me, that is much more important.

Forget Nintendo, Playstation and Wii.  Instead roll a real dice.  Board games, it appears, are good for family relationships.

As reported in The Advertiser:

“A national study involving 125 families who played board games together once a week for a month found the activity improved parents’ and children’s life skills, such as spelling and maths, and increased the amount and quality of time they spent together.

Other benefits included greater patience, sportsmanship between siblings and self-esteem in children.”

I love these findings.

When I was growing up we had summer holiday Canasta championships, rainy day Monopoly marathons, and in the car travel Scrabble.

I love board games.  Which ones can you play with your kids?  Or your friends?

My dad passed away a week ago after a long battle with cancer.

I’m still understanding what it means to me and my life to lose a parent.

I only began truly appreciating my parents, and all they have done for me, when I became a parent myself almost 6 years ago.

As parents we often do what we do without much recognition.  And I certainly took my parents for granted.

But when I knew my dad had terminal cancer, I realised it was an opportunity to think about what my dad meant to me, and to recognise his impact on my life.

And it was also an opportunity to tell him - before it was too late.

A year ago I wrote my dad a gratitude letter.  I wrote about why I was grateful that he was my dad.  Then I gave him the letter.

It was the same letter that my brother read out at my dad’s eulogy.  But fortunately, this was a eulogy that my dad had already heard.

In the gratitude letter, I told him that:

He taught me the value of setting goals, and working hard to achieve them.

He instilled in me a strong sense of family and the importance of being there for each other.

He had been himself - and he taught me the importance of me being myself.

I also told him that I loved him very, very much.

My parents have always been around to help and support me.  Always.

Whenever I needed anything I could call or visit.

Now I can’t go and visit my dad anymore.

If I need him, I’ll have to reach him in my dreams or in my thoughts or in my heart.

It is a huge loss. But I am very grateful that he was my dad.  Very grateful indeed.

By Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

One of my goals for my Happiness Project is to do a better job of learning from experience. How can I do things better, next time? Also, one of my Twelve Commandments is to “Identify the problem,” so I’m trying to be more mindful as I have experiences, so I can take steps to make myself happier, in the moment.

Here are some tips from my recent family trip to Denmark:

1. Start packing early.

I made the odious task of packing for myself and my two daughters easier by starting a week in advance (the Big Man packed at 10 pm the night before we left). I brought the big suitcase into my bedroom, and whenever I thought of something (sunscreen, passports, adapter) I put it in. However, if you start packing early, you must…

2. Keep a list.

I didn’t, and that was a mistake. Because I was packing over the course of the week, by the end, I’d forgotten what I’d already put in. Had I packed the bathing suits, or not? In the end, I forgot to pack any socks for myself. I’d thought about doing it so many times, but I’d never actually done it. So make a list and check things off. This is a good idea, anyway.

3. Spend money where it helps.

I was in utter bliss because I bought a new large backpack to use as my plane bag, which, because I was traveling with my kids, weighed about 100 pounds. Several years ago, my mother gave me a large, attractive bag to use as a plane bag, and I’ve used it ever since. But on my last trip, I realized: I would much prefer to use a backpack, that I could wear comfortably on my back, than to carry a heavy bag that pulls on one shoulder. I looked a bit silly, but I didn’t care.

4. Pack almonds.

Several months ago, on a family trip with my in-laws, I realized that my periodic bouts of crabbiness were related to hunger. I seem to get hungry much more often than most adults, and I’m also a very picky eater. For this trip, I packed a bag of almonds, and it made a huge difference in being able to maintain my mood. Almonds made a great travel snack, because they’re light, don’t crumble, don’t stain, don’t need preparation, and are filling and nutritious. The one downside: it’s tempting to eat the entire bag at one sitting. I had to use some self-control to keep the bag going for the whole trip.

5. Return a day early.

When I was growing up, we always returned from trips at the last minute, to eke out as much time as possible at whatever place we were visiting. But my in-laws plan their trips differently, and I’ve converted to their approach: they build in a re-entry day. On this trip, we came back on Saturday, so we had a day to sleep late, do errands, catch up on mail and email, re-stock the fridge, etc. The re-entry day made the trip shorter, but it made the overall vacation experience more enjoyable. It’s no fun to go away for a relaxing week, but then find yourself stressed out again a few hours after you’re back at home.

6. Unpack right away.

The Big Man is adamant about this. The last thing I felt like doing when we arrived home from a week away was to tackle the unpacking, but he was right, we both felt much better when we’d put that task behind us. It made it a lot easier to unwind and enjoy being home.

What else? What have you learned about how to approach trips so that they’re more fun?

Gretchen Rubin

First published @ The Happiness Project

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/

The end of the year - warmer days, festive cheer, a New Year approaching - it’s a natural time to take a break. Most of us plan a summer holiday, even if it’s only a short one. But holidays are not just about sand, sunscreen and sun. Every season of the year is worthy of a holiday, and this year I’m making plans now. More

My husband, along with my brother, and a group of other mountain biking boys got the diary out at the beginning of 2008 and marked out weekly rides, mountain bike events, and two mountain biking weekends away.

I was gobsmacked. Where’s the family holiday? Where’s the girl’s weekend? Where is our time together?

So this year, I’m getting out the diary at the beginning of 2009 and with my husband, we’re going to plan one week long winter family holiday, three family weekends away, one girl’s weekend, a night out together once every two months, and a dad’s and kids weekend.

That should still leave us enough weekends to catch up with friends, celebrate family birthdays and renovate the house!

Well maybe…

But I do know if we can even manage half of our holiday plans, we will get to the end of the year in better health and in a better frame of mind.

Even one night away or a full day away from the house can refresh and revive. And we’ve found if we don’t plan, it won’t happen.

So, what breaks can you schedule for yourself and your family next year? An autumn camping trip? Winter in the mountains? Spring amongst the wildflowers? Then the holiday season can last all year.

When my daughter was 2 years old I decided to write her regular letters. 

My goal was to write her a letter every 6 months in which I described what she’s been doing, what she’s been saying and how much I love her.

I bought a beautifully lined book, and began.  When my son was 18 months I started his book too.

I haven’t managed to write as frequently as I would like - letters tend to be a year apart.  But when I take the time to sit down and reflect on my children and how amazing they are, it is wonderfully indulgent.

I plan to keep writing these letters reguarly until they are 18 or 21 and then handing them over as a collection of my reflections on their life.

I don’t see the books as an accurate history, but more as a collection of my musings about them.

It is my way of holding time still, and preventing small moments from being forgotten.

It is a memento I am creating for them, but it also makes me feel good.

By taking the time out of my busy life to write the letters, I realise how amazing my children really are, and how grateful I am that they are a part of my life.

How to write a memory book for your children:

1. Buy or find a notebook - either blank or lined.  Or you can write on whatever scrap of paper you can find and bundle the pages together.

2. Find a quiet moment (once the kids are in bed or before they get home from school) and write them a letter.  Talk about whatever you like.  The weather, what they’ve been up to, how you feel about them.  Try not to censor, just write.  And don’t worry about perfect grammar, just write.

3. Add photos or pictures if you like.

That’s it.  Easy!  All it takes is half an hour to an hour of your time.  But it’s value is worth so much more.  Enjoy!

On Saturday night I went to my 20 year high school reunion.  It was amazing.  A night of ‘oh my god I haven’t seen you for 20 years!’, hugs, kisses, and catch ups.

A night full of reminiscing, remembering and reuniting.

A time to reconnect with people with whom I spent some of the most intense, excrutiating and formative years of my life.

An opportunity to cram 20 years into a 2 minute conversation.  To bury old grudges. And discover commonalities that didn’t exist 20 years earlier.

I absolutely loved it - for many reasons.  But here are my top 3:

1. I went to school with some amazing people.  I didn’t necessarily know they were amazing whilst at school. But I do now.

2. At school I was insecure, self conscious and unconfident.  But then so were most of the rest of my class.  I didn’t realise that at the time either.

3. School is intense.  But it’s not the be all or end all.  It is only the beginning.

I had a great night at the reunion. But one of the night’s best moments was arriving home.  It was a balmy night and a soft breeze was floating through the open windows, my kids were having a ’sleep over’ in the spare room, tucked up together in the big bed, and my husband was snoozing in our bed with the two cats at his feet.

All was right in the world.

And I felt incredibly content with my lot.

Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Love as though heaven is on earth.

Souza

I have this on a fridge magnet at home and it seems to me that this is a good philosophy for parents to follow.

Our children need us to be able to spontaneously join in their imaginative play, to be able to sing and dance without embarrassment and to love them unconditionally.

At playgroup we always finish with a group song time and it is clear that singing is no longer part of the Australian culture - we have become observers or listeners to professionals, but we don’t feel comfortable singing in public.

Children love to hear their parents’ voices close to them, singing a lullaby or having fun singing a silly song.
They learn how to use their voices in different ways and increase their vocabulary.
Songs can tell a story, calm a child, move a child from one experience to another, make children want to get up and dance and encourage counting.

But best of all they can be fun and a shared family experience - so sing as though no one can hear you.

Judyth Roberts
Seaton Central

Have you noticed that children don’t like being hurried? They love to spend time ‘smelling the roses’, watching a snail cross the footpath or listening to the rain rushing through a downpipe. When you have a pre-schooler at home, try to slow down and enjoy their pleasure in the simple pleasures of life.

Why not try walking in the rain? Put on rubber boots, raincoats and hats and grab an umbrella and take a walk around the block. Listen to the water rushing down the gutters and dripping off the trees. Talk about where birds go to keep dry and watch out for snails and other water loving creatures. Notice how different the world looks when it is all wet. Let your child get wet and have a splash around in the puddles - they will enjoy the novelty and can soon dry off or have a hot bath when you get home.

If we want our children to value the natural environment we need to teach them about it through experiences they will remember. Try an all-weather walk and maybe even take a photo, then you can look at it when the dry heat of summer comes and remember the day it rained and you got wet!

Judyth Roberts
Seaton Central

Most people would agree that organically grown food is better for you and the environment. Research shows us there are more nutrients, higher antioxidant levels, no chemical residues or artificial additives in organic food. It certainly tastes better than conventional produce and the odd insect you find indicates it is chemical free and hasn’t been in storage for many months.

As a vocal advocate of organic food the reason I hear most against eating organically is the cost. There is no doubt it is more expensive than conventionally farmed food, sometimes it can be double or triple the cost* which can be daunting for the average family.

Here are some tips to help make organic food affordable.

Consider your eating and spending habits around food
Look at the fortnightly/weekly budget and note how much is spent on packaged convenience foods, snacks, meat and alcohol. Ask yourself; could expenditure be reduced in any of these areas and reinvested into organic food? In the summer we can easily spend $15 at a quick snack stop for icecreams for our family of five. However when cherry season is here I have no qualms at buying a kilo of organic cherries for around the same price and forfeiting the snacks, the red juiced (loaded with antioxidants!) dripping grins speak more than words.

Consider the health of your family
View organic food as a preventative measure. Rather than spending money on pharmaceuticals or trips to the doctor see spending it on organic food as an investment into your health. I contribute my children’s healthy immune systems largely to organic food, with a visit to the doctor a rare event in our family. We occasionally take vitamin supplements but I prefer to ‘eat the vitamins’ within some great tasting food as well as getting the additional benefits of other nutrients at the same time. Don’t wait until you are sick or health issues arise, see preventative eating as a priority now.

Consider that broccoli is not just broccoli
Don’t be fooled by appearances of fruit and vegetables. A recent Choice magazine survey I read found that supermarket strawberries had up to 27 different chemical residues and not all of them washed off. When buying fruit and vegetables consider how long they have been in storage, what waxes or coating they have and with what and where they’ve been grown. Don’t be fooled by appearance and the cheap buy. Cheap bags of fruit and vegetables are often old, chemically grown and lacking in nutrients and vitamins.

Start small
There is no need to change shopping habits overnight, first try with buying a few organic items a week. A good place to start is buying organically those fruit that have known high amounts of chemical residues such as apples, tomatoes, pears, stone fruit and strawberries.

Consider Lifestyle
A change in not just our shopping habits but also our overall lifestyle may be required. Consider the way you live and how often lunch or dinner is quick snacks, fast food, or restaurant meals. Take a look at spending on family entertainment; are there cheaper options to be contemplated? There is no need to be purist or extreme, my family love to eat out and see a movie; these however are occasional treats not regular entertainment. Buying organically may mean more cooked meals at home, less takeaways and require a little more planning. These changes may be a little challenging at first but reduced stress levels and increased overall well being will be the long term benefits.

Look for seasonal Australian grown produce
If organic food is still a little out of reach try to look for Australian grown produce. A lot of fruit and vegetables in our supermarkets have come from overseas; in particular China. Although pesticide residues in fruit and vegetables are monitored in Australia, other countries do not have the same regulations regarding pesticide and chemical use thus there is no guarantee. Check the label for country of origin; if it doesn’t state Australia or have any label, chances are it has come from another country. Try and buy produce that is seasonal relative to where you live. This is often the cheaper option as well as superior tasting. For example; buying a peach in June in southern Australia tells me it has either been in long storage or comes from far away and will probably taste bland and flavourless.

Grow your own
Growing some vegetables in your garden organically is a good way of reaping the benefits of both the food and the gardening activity. It is a cheap option at around $2-3 for a packet of organic seed although it requires time and patience!

Consider your children
There is a wave of new parents starting their babies off on organic food. This is a great introduction to solids and support to their developing immune systems. I was saddened to learn that this dropped off dramatically once children hit the age of 2. It is worth considering that after the age of 2 there is still much crucial development and growth to happen. Studies focused on children and pesticide exposure have put them at much greater risk than adults. This is because they eat more food relative to body mass and being smaller than adults, doses of chemicals have a greater effect. I see fitting organic food into our budget as an investment into my children’s future health. Consider continuing with the great food provided for your baby into the years to come.

Check out organic and biodynamic food on the web for more information
Suggested links
www.cleanfood.com.au
www.organicfooddirectory.com.au
www.ofa.org.au

* See www.organicfooddirectory.com.au for reasons for the high costs of organic food.

Rachel Furbank
Sustainable living eco mum