We’re getting ready for a Parent Wellbeing overhaul.

But before we begin, we need your help!

We would love to know what you think about Parent Wellbeing as it currently exists, and how it can change so it is more valuable to you and your life.

We’ve got millions of ideas, but ideas are only useful to us if they’re useful to you.

So please take 5 mins to answer our Parent Wellbeing Revamp survey - and go in the running to win a $50.00 Westfield Voucher!

Click on the link below to complete our 5 min survey and to go in the running to win a $50.00 Westfield Voucher.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WM36C8T

Or if some reason the shorter link doesn’t work, here is the full link:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=retzQd78ntgXeWf3DSDajg_3d_3d

We look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you — and vice versa.” This sounds simple, but it actually was a huge breakthrough for me. So many things that other people consider “fun” are not fun for me, and it took me an astonishingly long time to realize that. Drinking alcohol, shopping, most games…I just don’t enjoy those activities.

Even now, I have to remind myself that people go skiing because they honestly want to go skiing, not because they are made from a sterner moral fiber than I.

I’ve realized, too, that it’s important to think about this in the context of my family. If I want to have fun with my family, I need to make sure that we’re doing activities that — at least some of the time — are honestly fun for me. Otherwise, I just get bored and try to end things - or even sneak away. Was it Jerry Seinfeld who said, “There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family?” Well, I’m trying.

For example, my four-year-old is constantly begging us to read to her. I was getting so bored with Frog and Toad and the like that I was making excuses.

Then it occurred to me - why not read something I like, too? I don’t have much appreciation for Little Bear anymore, not after the tenth reading, but I love children’s literature. Surely there’s something we can both enjoy.

She’s not ready for The Golden Compass, of course, and she’s not even ready for Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, but first we read the All-of-a-Kind Family books, and now we’re working our way through Mary Poppins. I love those books, and it has made a huge difference in my willingness to read to my daughter. It’s fun for me to read those books, too!

Obviously, as a parent, I can’t follow this rule all the time. My children enjoy things that aren’t much fun for me, so I get my fun vicariously, by watching their fun. But I’ve decided to try to steer our activities more to things that we all find fun, because then I’m so much more enthusiastic.

(Of course, it’s possible to run, then, into the opposite problem: something is so fun for me that being with my children ruins the fun. If I really want to see an exhibit, say, I can’t go with my two children. I just won’t be able to concentrate. But I could go myself, and then return with them.)

One of the great mysteries of happiness is - why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why is it so hard to know my own likes and dislikes? It seems that nothing should be more obvious than the question of what I find fun, yet I have to think hard about this, all the time.

This principle doesn’t only apply to children; fun with your sweetheart, fun with your family, fun with your friends, fun with your co-workers. Have you found any good ways to have fun with others that’s also fun for you?

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

Half Full - Science for Raising Happy Kids wrote recently about the vexed question of whether you should stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids.

As a society, we tend to believe that parents are better off if parents stay together.  That is certainly what previous generations did.

But research clearly shows that:

“It is the quality of parents’ relationships with each other, rather than whether they are married or single, that matters most for kids’ well-being.”

This highlights how a parent’s emotional wellbeing affects their kid’s wellbeing.

We all experience challenging emotions.  What’s important is how we deal with them - and how our children see that we deal with them.

Parents in conflict who have difficulty controlling their aggression or anger are most likely to be doing a disservice to their children.

Phil and Carolyn Cowan from UC Berkeley found that unresolved conflict and unhappiness in a parent’s relationship can lead to children with more aggressive behavior, more shy and withdrawn behavior, and worse social and academic skills.

Separating may therefore be the best option.

But continuing to show aggression and anger to your partner even once separated - won’t help your children either.

Parents who can find a way to respect their children’s other parent - even if they no longer love or respect the person - are doing the best by their kids.

Because whether you separate or not - unless you completely cut yourself off from your kids - you will need to communicate with your ex-partner.  And you want the relationship to be as civil and adult as possible.

I’m always saddened when people who have invested a lot of energy and emotion into a relationship separate without first trying to get some form of outside help.

Counselling may lead you back together - and in a happier place.

Or it may lead you apart - but with a resolve to work together for the good of the kids.

Either option seems better than living in an unhappy and acrimonious relationship.   Better both for you and your children.

The Huffington Post recently published an article by Marcus Buckingham about what the happiest and most successful women do differently.

Buckingham surveyed thousands of women, and had one on one chats with those who polled highest.

They asked the following questions:

1. How often do you get to do things you really like to do?
2. How often do you find yourself actively looking forward to the day ahead?
3. How often do you get so involved in what you’re doing you lose track of time?
4. How often do you feel invigorated at the end of a long, busy day?
5. How often do you feel an emotional high in your life?

And the results, are consistent with Parent Wellbeing’s approach to Work Family Wellbeing.

There is no one size fits all

Successful women come in all shapes and sizes.  Some of them work full-time, some part-time, some are full time at home with the kids.  Some are in high-powered jobs, some are in low-paid jobs, and some run their own businesses.  Successful women find the set up that suits them and their families.

Moments are important

We’re often told to focus on plans, goals and dreams.  But what can suffer when focusing on such big picture thinking are the little moments that make up a good life.  We experience many wonderful little, positive moments in our days and weeks, either at work or with your children, family and friends.  But often we don’t acknowledge them.  Happy people acknowledge the good moments.

Acceptance

Our expectations can undo us.  One major reason for unhappiness is when our expectations don’t meet reality.  Why can’t my children get dressed in 1 minute without me having to nag, yell or assist them?  Accepting rather than resisting can help us cope better with what is.

There is no such thing as balance

If you know our work in Work Family Wellbeing, you’ll know that we don’t believe in balance.  And Buckingham’s work concurs that it’s not about balance.  It’s about what works for you.  Wellbeing is a better goal than balance.

You can read the full article at the Huffington Post.

By Jodie Benveniste, director Parent Wellbeing

I am very proud to introduce our new workshop for parents. Our natural tendency as parents is to put our children’s needs before our own. But neglecting our own wellbeing can adversely affect the relationship you have with your child, and their wellbeing as well.

That’s why Parent Wellbeing and Optimistic Kids have come together to create the ‘Positive Parents, Resilient Kids’ Program - a 6 week program that teaches parents scientifically proven ways to build wellbeing and resilience.

We’ll cover:
How your wellbeing impacts on your children’s wellbeing
How optimistic thinking helps you and your children overcome adversity
How to build a stronger relationship with your children based on love, respect and support

By the end of the program, you will have:
Learnt vital life skills to help your children cope with life’s challenges
Learnt proven ways to increase your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children

Established a blueprint for being the parent you want to be

This special 6 week program is taking place in Adelaide from 4.15-5.15pm beginning Thursday 22nd of October. And is ideally suited for parents of children between 9 - 13 years.

Positive Parents, Resilient Kids Program

4.15-5.15pm
Thursday 22nd of October 2009
and weekly thereafter

CP Moore Board Room
3/156 Fullarton Road Rose Park SA

If you are interested in this program but other times (a full day instead of 6 x 1 hour sessions) or places (interstate or indeed online) would suit, then please let us know by emailing me personally at jodie@parentwellbeing.com. We’d like this workshop to be the first of many.

Download the flyer. Or call 08 8264 2311 or email fiona@optimistickids.com.au to book.

This weekend my husband took the kids on a dads and kids weekend, along with my brother and his kids.  It’s now an annual event in our family.  The dads get to hang out with their kids, and the mums get some time off.

When I told some other mums about what was happening on the weekend, they looked at me wide-eyed and said, ‘What are you going to do?’

Well, this is what I did this weekend:

Slept in
Read a book
Went to yoga
Watched a chick flick
Ate takeaway
Did a tarot reading
Watched the footy
Did some writing
Went for a walk
Went to a birth blessing
Cranked the car stereo up loud
Wrote a blog or two
Read the paper

In other words, I did exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  And it was luxurious!

Next weekend, my husband is off hiking with the boys while I look after the kids. And I don’t mind at all.

I’ve always appreciated the benefits that meditation can bring - a sense of calm, contentedness and connectedness.

But I’ve never been very good at meditating.  I find the whole suspending thought thing very difficult!

Of course meditation is a skill that gets easier with practice.  And clearly I haven’t practised enough.

But I’ve found another form of meditating that I’m enjoying more.

It’s called Loving Kindness Meditation.

In their book, The Gift of Loving-Kindness, Mary Brantley and Tesilya Hanauer explain how Loving Kindness Meditation is about being friendly to yourself and others.

By practicing Loving Kindness Meditation, you develop positive feelings about yourself and others around you.

And this is what I particularly like about it.  When you practice Loving Kindness Meditation you repeat a series of phrases aimed at yourself, someone you love, someone you feel neutral about, a difficult person or all living things.

I find repeating phrases so much easier to focus on than no thoughts at all.

Loving Kindness Meditation How to

In their book, Brantley and Hanauer outline a simple beginning meditation of the following four phrases:

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be peaceful.

May I be safe.

You can also substitute ‘I’ for others you’d like to direct your meditation too.

And of course, you can play around with the phrases to find ones that suit you.

Lately, I’ve been concentrating on:

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be calm.

May I be connected.

I’ve also substituted the last two for:

May I be confident

May I calm.

The beauty about Loving Kindness Meditation is that you can do it almost anywhere - walking on the beach, lying in bed before you go to sleep, and of course in lotus position.

And you can even give it a go when stuck in traffic, in your lunch hour, or while waiting in line.

It is a very adaptable practice, and in their book, The Gift of Loving-Kindness, Brantley & Hanauer outline 100 ways you can use it.

Plus, most importantly, renowned happiness scholar Barbara Fredrickson, has found that practicing Loving Kindness Meditation has helped people savour more, be more mindful, accept themselves, find positive meaning, and trust others.  People have shown to become less depressed and to enjoy life more.

So if meditation is your thing, Loving Kindness Meditation might be worth a try.

by Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

Yesterday, I ran our Work Family Wellbeing workshop at a construction company.  We spent the day focusing on wellbeing rather than balance, and taught people tools to increase their wellbeing and make the most of their work and family lives.

During one of the breaks, one of the participants asked me which of the wellbeing tools I use regularly.  It was an interesting question.

I do use a number of the wellbeing tools but not all the time.

When you live a busy life, it can be easy to get bogged down in daily hassles, and forget about caring for yourself.

But lately, I’ve been reminding myself of their importance and value.

And in fact, yesterday’s workshop was a great reminder to me of the need to always be checking in with myself - and listening to the true responses!

To be asking myself:

How well do I feel physically?
Do I need more sleep?
Do I need to forgo the muffin?
Do I need to exercise more?

How well do I feel emotionally?
Do I need to tell someone how I really feel?
Do I need time to myself?
Do I need to indulge myself in a little luxury?

How well do I feel domestically?
Is everyone pulling their weight?
Do I need to cut out some trivial tasks and save myself some time?
Do I need to lower my expectations?

I came away from yesterday’s workshop realising that wellbeing is a lifelong pursuit.  It takes commitment and dedication.  But it can be done.

On the way home in the cab I had a lovely chat with the cabbie about his kids.  When I got home, I gave my kids a big hug and told them I loved them.  And even when my daughter had a meltdown about wanting noodles and not pasta for dinner, I stayed calm and reasonable and loving.

And I went to bed happier.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing.

Ever felt unappreciated?  Ever felt taken for granted?    Ever found yourself doing everything for everyone else while no one seemed to do anything (or much) for you?  Well, I certainly have.  And it’s not a good feeling.

Here’s three ideas to tackle these feelings head on - and no it doesn’t involve yelling at your partner or your kids.

1. Appreciate yourself

It is lovely to be admired by others - but how often do we admire ourselves?  How often do we recognise the hard work and love we contribute to our families. How often do we stop and reflect on our bounty?

We’re more likely to beat ourselves up for things we ‘didn’t do’ or ‘didn’t do well’ or ‘didn’t do well enough’.

If you like approval or validation from others, perhaps it’s time for some self-approval and self-validation.

Even if others don’t always voice their appreciation, you can appreciate yourself.

2. Appreciate others

When living busy demanding lives, we can forget to acknowledge others.

It’s easy to think our partners have the better deal because they get to ‘go to work’ or they get to ’stay at home’.  But oftentimes, no one has the better deal - the roles are different but equally demanding.

How often do you thank your partner for picking up the dry cleaning, caring for the kids all day, bringing home the bacon?  Probably not as often as you could.

By voicing your appreciation  for others, it might just be reciprocated.

3. Think differently

Instead of thinking, ‘I spent hours cooking a beautiful meal that the kids hardly touched.  No one appreciates me!’  Think, ‘It’s the end of the week, and the kids are tired.  They can have leftovers tomorrow - which means tomorrow I don’t have to cook at all!’

Instead of thinking, ‘My partner’s working late again, and I’ve got to deal with the kids again. No one appreciates me!’ Think, ‘My partner is busy at work, and is under a lot of pressure. Instead of getting angry, we need to talk about how we can help each other. We’ll sit down over the weekend, and talk about it.’

We all go through times of feeling unappreciated. But the resentment doesn’t have to build until you explode.

Instead, try appreciating yourself, voicing your appreciation for others, and thinking a little differently. It just might help!

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing

How well do you celebrate your successes?

I wasn’t going to have a launch for Full Belly.  It takes a certain amount of organisation and effort, people are busy, and in some ways it seems a little indulgent.

But I was persauded to have a launch after completing a wellbeing survey online.  The survey which is part of a worldwide study of wellbeing made me realise that when it comes to looking after my own wellbeing there is one thing I’m really bad at.

I’m really good at setting goals - like writing a book about pregnancy and birth.  But I’m terrible at taking the time to reflect and celebrate once the goal has been achieved.

Once I’ve achieved a goal, I tend to do three things:

1. Tick it off the list

2. Think, ‘If I achieved it, it couldn’t have been that difficult’

3. Set another goal

But by doing so, I’m depriving myself of the good positive emotions that come with having identified something I really want to do, working hard to achieve it, and then giving myself a pat on the back.

We often talk about the importance of the ‘journey’ as though it is more important than the ‘outcome’.

But both are important.

And taking the time to reflect, celebrate and enjoy successes is a very important component of wellbeing.

So from now on when I achieve a goal, I’m going to do the following:

1. Tick it off the list

2. Think, ‘If I achieved it, then I’ve done really well!’

3. Find some way to celebrate, however small

4. Set another goal

So we launched Full Belly yesterday.  Thank you to everyone who came along and helped celebrate Full Belly!

You’ve helped me on my path to better wellbeing. And I hope Full Belly helps you and others too!

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing
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