Yesterday I had my first day off in years.  I sent my kids off to my mum’s house, and I didn’t go straight to the office.  Instead, I had a day to myself.  It was luxurious.  And I didn’t feel at all guilty.  Well - only slightly!

Mum came and picked up the kids at 9am.  I then spent the next hour and a quarter sitting on the couch in the springtime sun writing in my children’s memory books.  I’ll write more about these memory books next week.  So stay tuned.

I then went to yoga.  I used to be a regular twice a week yoga goer before having kids. But for the last five years yoga hasn’t featured in my daily life.  And my body and mind have suffered.  So now I’ve bought a 10 week pass, negotiated with my husband to be home in time for classes on Wednesday night, and I’ve committed to going.

After yoga, I went to the pub for lunch.  All by myself.  I had a delicious ceasar salad and a virgin mary, and I wrote in my diary about everything that’s been going on in my life.  It was indulgent and highly therapeutic.

After lunch, I had a massage.  It was painful but again highly therapeutic.  My body had harboured so much stress it was overworked. The massage was only the beginning of what needs to be an ongoing commitment to my health and wellbeing.

After the massage it was time to pick the kids up from my mum and dads. 

The day was short. The day was sweet.  And like the massage, it is only the beginning.

I’m thinking that a mid week ‘me’ day should happen once a quarter.  If not, at least twice a year.

It is not the total answer.  Because the minute I picked up the kids, Jet started grizzling, and Wirra started whinging and I had to take a deep breath and deal with it - rather than react.

But it did help.  It said to me that ‘I’ matter.  I matter enough to spend time on me.

I didn’t think I had the time for a mid week ‘me’ day.  I thought I had too much to do.

But I realised that the consequences of not caring for myself were much more catastrophic than putting off today what could be done tomorrow.

Is it time for you to have a midweek ‘me’ day?

Jodie Benveniste, director Parent Wellbeing

Dear Mem,

Your recent foray into the childcare debate has been both controversial and revealing.

You first claimed that very young babies in full time child care is tantamount to child abuse. You then claimed that you had not intended to offend anyone but were simply speaking up for the babies who cannot speak for themselves.

In response to your critics, you said that feeling threatened, enraged and in denial is ‘normal’ when faced with an uncomfortable truth. And you accused your critics of ‘shooting the messenger’.

But Mem, there would be no need to ‘shoot the messenger’ if the messenger had not ‘shot from the hip’.

To suggest that today’s working parents place ‘their needs and their situations’ above their babies is inflammatory and misguided.

I don’t know any parent who does not want the absolute best for their children. The so called ‘choices people have to make’ are not made lightly, selfishly, nor independently of peer or public opinion.

From my experience, it is not the baby’s needs that are the elephant in the room, it’s the parents’ needs.

Modern day parents are riddled with guilt and anxiety, and are struggling to give their children the best opportunities, pay the mortgage, and fulfill their personal aspirations.

From the first positive pregnancy test, parents are bombarded with information, guidance and advice about what is ‘best for baby’.

‘Eat iron rich foods; don’t eat soft cheeses. Don’t let your baby cry; let your baby cry. Don’t put your child in child care; put your child in child care.’

Confident and committed parents raise confident and contented kids. But the advice, even when well intentioned, often serves to undermine parents’ confidence and affects their better judgment.

Your ‘child care is child abuse’ comments, even if paraphrasing a child care professional, serve as more grist to the parent guilt mill.

We need an honest, open and productive debate about the work family intersection but Mem, your comments, were unhelpful.

Instead, let’s discuss:

1. How the vast majority of parents prefer to care for their young babies at home, as according to 2005 ABS statistics, only 7% of children in formal childcare (long day care, family day care, with a registered nanny) are under twelve months old, and 47% of children under 12 months attend childcare for 10 hours or less a week.

2. How, Australia, along with the United States, is one of the few modernized, Western democracies without a paid maternity leave system, which would help families defer their return to work.

3. How un-family friendly workplace cultures and structures penalize women and men who take time out of the workforce or want to work part-time when their children are young by limiting their career aspirations and reducing their income potential.

4. And how, definitive research conducted by work family pioneer Ellen Galinsky from the Families and Work Institute in the US showed that what affects attachment between mother and child is not mothers’ working or children in child care but whether the mother is warm and responsive. According to Galinsky, ‘When mothers are doing what they think is right for themselves and their families, children prosper.’
Debates around child care, working parents, and working mothers in particular, are emotionally wrought and highly charged.

The decisions families make are complex and complicated, and are not without emotional anguish.

Parents go ‘out on a limb’ everyday to manage the challenges and stresses of caring for their family the best way they know how.

If anything gives, it is the parent’s wellbeing.

By supporting rather than harassing parents, and focusing on effective public policy, we can help parents love and care for their children.

So Mem, my message to you, is next time you decide to weigh in on the child care debate do so with compassion for all involved - babies and parents included.

Jodie Benveniste

Director and Founder of Parent Wellbeing

I recently spoke to a friend of mine. An amazing mother. 

She told me the story of a trip to a local park in Sydney where the council pulls from a bus wonderful activities for children of all ages to experience.

She took her twin boys along even though she had an inkling that they might be a bit ratty and tantrums might be brewing.  She was right.

Both boys were so difficult that she decided that it was home time. That’s when the tantrums started.

Apparently she left the park with a laden backpack on her back, one son screaming under one arm, unceremoniously dragging her other son by the wrist behind her and bumping the pram towards the car with her hips.

It may sound funny but it wasn’t to her. She was distraught by the situation. She was embarrased, frustrated and utterly exhausted.

She passed lots of people on the way to the car (she was now in tears) and most of them were watching with interest.Not one offered help.

She said to me in our conversation that if someone could have just helped push the pram it would have made the world of difference.

People can be cautious about offering strangers help especially in parenting situations. But what’s the worst that can happen if you do offer? The person says no.

And I think it’s important to remember that it could be you next time. Wouldn’t it be easier if we were all in this together? 

Emma Anderson Childcare professional and mother to Jasper 

Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing, will be speaking at Westfield Tea Tree Plaza in Adelaide with Olympic basketballer Rachel Sporn as part of Westfield’s ‘Mum Coach’ series on Monday 28th of July 2008 at 10am.

They’ll be divulging the secrets to increasing mum’s wellbeing and it’s got little to do with trying to find the impossible ‘me time’.

The event is part of Westfield’s ‘We Are Family’ campaign.

Approximately 160 interactive in-centre events will be held in 32 Westfield centres across the nation on a range of topics for mums.

Each Westfield centre will host between two to six interactive events led by local and national Australian experts based on:

Mum Coach - Helping mums with comprehensive tips for time management
The First 12 Months - Navigating the trials and joys of the first twelve months of parenting
Working Mums Club - Tips for balancing work and family for mums looking to join the workforce or mums already in the workforce
It Takes a Village - Experts join mums for a community forum to talk about a range of topics
DIY Beauty - To look and feel refreshed, some practical tips to help you feel better through do it yourself beauty routines
Laughter is the Best Medicine - Leading mum comediennes provide laughter on the silly and sublime of motherhood
Taming the Toddler Tantrum - Practical tips for mums in taming the almighty toddler tantrum
Better Buddies - Understanding bullying both inside and outside the home to create better buddies

For more information about events in your area, please visit www.westfield.com.au/wearefamily

Feeling down and need a boost?  Forget drugs or alcohol.  Instead, watch your baby smile!

Most of us would know that there is something beguiling about our children smiling.  You can forgive them all the sleepless nights, rejected dinners and whinging and whining with one flash of a smile.

And now new research from the Texas Childern’s Hospital explains why.

Apparently, seeing your baby smile creates a rush of blood to the pleasure centres of your brain.  The same area of the brain that responds to drugs and alcohol.

And the bigger your baby’s smile, the greater the pleasurable affect on you.

So next time you’re covered in vomit, every toy, block or book is now on the floor rather than in the toy cupboard, and dinner has ended up on the floor rather than in your toddler’s tummy, find a way to make your children smile, and you might just smile too!

I was recently chatting with a friend of mine about baby blues and postnatal depression. As a child care worker I had seen first hand how debilitating just the baby blues could be let alone dealing with post natal depression. I have worked with mothers with post natal psychosis and mothers who have been hospitalized with depression. I am aware of the monumental challenges these women face.

I have always been quite a happy person but during my second trimester of pregnancy I had a month of feeling incredibly down. I was carrying my very wanted baby but felt fearful and sad about many things – the future for my child, my loss of autonomy, I even woke up at night worrying about what age it was ok to let them go to the park on their own! Everything overwhelmed me and many times I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. This period in my pregnancy gave me quite a reality check. I realized that regardless of temperament, experience, outlook and age we can all be prone to depression on varying scales. Add into that the changes in hormone levels after birth and the massive workload we face looking after our new baby and the ‘blues’ or full scale depression are almost to be expected.

Whilst talking to my friend I mentioned that I had made a contingency plan with my partner and family just in case I became depressed and we as a new family needed extra support. To some it may seem like tempting fate but to us it seemed like a really logical thing to do. We spend so much time planning and preparing ourselves for the birth of our children and the physical care of them; why not make plans to care for our mental health?

It was just a few little things -

We both did a little reading on post natal depression and made ourselves aware of the triggers.My partner had read up on signs and symptoms to look out for.

Family and friends were in place to cook meals, give us crucial sleep time and general kindness.I had people I trusted to talk honestly about how I felt without judgment (you’d be surprised how hard it can be to find these people – there is nothing more upsetting then being brutally honest about how down you are feeling about your loss of identity, lack of personal space and time,  the fact that you haven’t slept more then 3 hours in a row for 2 months and you feel like your breasts have been out more then they’ve been in only to be told not to complain because you have such a lovely baby!)

We made time as a couple.

We exercised and got out in the fresh air.We knew who to call to get professional advice and support.

We were always aware that none of these steps could stop postnatal depression and they may seem like such simple things but we honestly felt better knowing that we were prepared.  In the end I had no problems besides extreme exhaustion, a few tears and some crankiness…

And it was lovely getting the home cooked meals!

Emma Anderson

Emma is an Early Childhood Professional, on the South Australian Executive of Early Childhood Australia and mother to Jasper, 10 months.

Welcome to our brand new website, and our brand new parent wellbeing blog.

Here you will find posts from our fantastic wellbeing bloggers.  Wellbeing professionals with expertise to help you improve your quality of life.

Please read, post comments, and contact us if there are any topics you would like discussed.  Email us at info@parentwellbeing.com

We look forward to your participation!

Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing