I was flabbergasted. I had just read an article by a parenting publication that pitted parent against child, that painted parenting in terms of black and white, and that purported to support parents whilst undermining individual differences.

‘There are only two parenting styles’, the article retorted, ‘one that meets the child’s needs and one that meet’s the parents’ needs.’ And never the twain shall meet.

Differences of opinion

My major struggle when first becoming a parent over six years ago was the barrage of conflicting information that overwhelms inexperienced and uncertain first-time mothers. The you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ language which all too often pervades expert language, and which sabotages new mother confidence.

Differing opinions on baby care abound in bucket-loads. One stark example is sleep. Some experts tell you to ‘teach’ your baby to sleep, which involves, to varying degrees, leaving your baby to cry. Other experts on attachment parenting advocate sleeping with your baby and never letting her cry. Both tend to suggest that their method is ‘best for baby’. But since they advocate diametrically opposed approaches, how can they both be right?

Best for baby or best for parents?

I like a measure of routine, order and independence for my baby and myself, so I lean towards the teaching to sleep rather than attachment parenting. But I acknowledge that my style of parenting is not solely about what method is ‘best for baby’, nor which method is superior. Instead, my style of parenting reflects the person that I am, and what is best for me - and my baby.

In reality, what is best for parents is often closely aligned with what is ‘best for baby’. If you are uncomfortable letting your baby cry, or if you don’t like co-sleeping, following someone else’s methods won’t work. Parents decide how to care for their children based on the people that they are. This is not selfishness, or a reason to feel guilty. This is realistic.

When you love and care for your children in a way that is consistent with your philosophies and beliefs you provide your children the best possible care. And you also recognise that parenting is a combination of art and science.

Science is helpful. That is, knowing a child’s developmental abilities and limitations helps you better understand your child’s behaviour, and better manage your own expectations. But art is equally important.
The parent-child relationship is one of the deepest, most engaging and most intriguing relationships we can experience. The love for a child is unparallel. Raising a child evokes love and angst in almost equal measures. There is amazement at the child you have created, and remorse for the version of ‘you’ you have left behind. This is often not talked about because children are a gift. But it is felt.

Parenting -the right way…

There are as many ways to care for a child as there are parents on this planet. There is no one right way, and there certainly isn’t a blanket: ‘best for baby’ and therefore ‘bad for parents’ or ‘best for parents’ and therefore ‘bad for baby’ unless the parameters include neglect or abuse.

Every significant relationship in our lives is a dynamic interchange between two people. Our baby bring as much to the relationship as we do. They are not innocent observers. From day one, they are active participants. We teach them, and they teach us. We learn from them, and they learn from us. We love them, and they love us.

There is no black versus white, us versus them, my needs versus your needs. Instead, there is a unique connection which fuels a life together. A life which is rich with intense emotion, unexpected insights, and deep reciprocity.

There is no more amazing a job than being a parent. But there is also no job more difficult. We all find our way through the parenting quagmire by filtering advice, harking back to our own upbringing and going with our gut. There is no other way. Adhering to someone else’s strict view of a ‘good parent’, a ‘good child’ and a ‘good family’ is ultimately unfulfilling, unsustainable, and not ‘good’ for anyone.

Judging others

Judging other parents by their own or their child’s behaviour is commonplace, and can happen instinctively. We declare, ‘I would never let my baby cry for that long’, so we go to our baby whenever she cries. We think, ‘She gave up on breastfeeding so easily’, as we persevere with breastfeeding. We notice, ‘She speaks so calmly and patiently to her baby’, and we try to do the same.

We are all different, even though we share a common moniker, so we make different choices about how to care for our children. There is no harm in making judgements to determine what kind of parent you want to be. But harm can be done if you impose your judgements on others. If you openly criticise others, you undermine somebody else’s choices.

By keeping an open mind about how we care for our children, and how others care for theirs, we share the trials and the triumphs of parenting. When we pit ‘parent against child’ or ‘parent against parent’ or ‘child against child’, we oversimplify what is a complex, multi-dimensional, multi-layered relationship.

There are more than two styles of parenting. There are many. And both parents’ needs and children’s needs are equally valid. Because that is where the twain does meet.

Since the year 2000, over 300 Australian children under 5 have drowned…

With the aim of preventing these deaths, Laurie Lawrence, in conjunction with the Australian Government and water safety experts Australia wide, has put together:

Living with Water - a comprehensive water safety DVD for parents and caregivers of children under 5.

The free DVD covers all aspects of water safety and is broken down into developmental stages to outline specific water hazards as your child grows.

The goal this holiday season is to raise the awareness of drowning danger by having every Australian parent and caregiver of children under 5 view the Living with Water DVD by Australia Day 2010. The target is zero preventable drowning deaths!

The DVD can be downloaded, streamed to your computer, or ordered as a DVD (FREE of charge).

For more information please visit the Living with Water website.

This poem by Diane Loomans is on the wall at my son’s kindergarten.

And it struck me as articulating quite eloquently the paradoxes of parenting.

When we’re in the thick of it, we often don’t appreciate it enough.  And when we’re past it, we lament the parent we could have been.

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self esteem first, and the house later.
I’d fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

It would be nice to “stop playing serious, and seriously play.”

But perhaps more realistic for me is to gaze at more stars.

If you’re in Sydney from the 18th - 20th of September, then come to The Baby Show.

I will be speaking as part of the seminar series on Friday 18th of September from 1 pm - 1.30pm.  The topic is How to be a happy, healthy parent.

And Parent Wellbeing will be exhibiting all show.  You can find us at stand C1C - just turn right after you enter the building, and we are the third stand on your right.  Come and say hello!

As a show special, we are offering Full Belly and Little Bundle at a show special price.

And when you buy the double pack, you will receive a free magnetic photo frame so you can stick a photo of your precious little bundle on your fridge!

You can also win great prizes in our Baby Show giveaway.

The major prize valud at $297 is a beautiful, luxurious, pampering gift box courtesy of New Mummies Boxes.  It includes:

A dreamy Plush Gown
A gorgeous Pashmina
An exquisite Bebe Bola silver pendant
Natural, organic body products from Mukti
Little Bundle full of all the info you’ll ever need
Celebrity Flatout Bear 100% Australian lambswool

Plus, you could also win SMS affirmations to comfort and inspire.  We’re giving away 5 daily!

Plus, there will be lots more to see and do.

Here’s the speil from the website:

The Baby Show is the essential new event dedicated to pregnancy, baby and toddler and promises an inspiring and stylish day out. Every part of the event is family-friendly, creating a truly valuable and enjoyable experience.

Highlights include experts and guest speakers at the Seminar Theatre, Mummy & Baby fashion shows, personal consultations and advice, live demonstrations and even free childcare and private feeding & changing facilities.

For more info please visit The Baby Show website.

And as an extra special, here’s a Baby Show special offer. Buy one ticket, get one free!

Click here to book your 2 for 1 ticket

See you at The Baby Show!

Is controlled crying bad for your baby?

Is controlled crying bad for you?

According to The Murdoch Children’s Research Institute at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne controlled crying can be very beneficial for tired and depressed mothers without harming the baby.

Susie O’Brien from the Herald Sun blogged about it and also reported on this study.

And of course, when it comes to baby’s sleep - a very contentious are - not everyone agrees with the research.

But I think it’s important to recognise that the aim of this study was to find out whether helping babies sleep better, by using controlled crying, reduced depression amongst mothers without adversely affecting the babies.

And they found that it did reduce depression amongst mothers and it wasn’t harmful to the baby up to 2 years later.

What this research highlights is the importance of parent wellbeing for baby’s wellbeing.

Depressed mums are not good for kids.

We need to get beyond the ‘best for baby’ argument and look at the ‘best for baby and best for parents’ argument.

Parenting is an amazing, dynamic, and intimate relationship.  It isn’t all about the baby nor all about the parents.

It’s about both.  Their interaction, interrelationship and interdependence.

What this means is - if you don’t have a problem with your baby’s waking through the night, then there is no problem.

But if you do, controlled crying once your baby is older than 6 months, might be worth trying.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

Recently, I went to hear Michael Grose of Parenting Ideas talk about raising confident kids.

And interestingly, the message I took away, was not so much about what we needed to do as parents but what we needed to NOT do.

One important way to help your kids increase their confidence is to help them build their capabilities.  That is, to help them learn how to do things for themselves.

So Michael’s challenges to us was ‘What can you stop doing for your child.’

And when I thought about it there were many, many things that I do for my kids that they could be doing for themselves.  Here’s just a few:

Make their beds
Pack their drink bottle and lunch box into their bags
Put away their clean clothes
Find their library books

I think there are several reasons why we do stuff for our kids.

Oh how they grow

1. We began making their beds and putting away their clean clothes when they were babies - when clearly they couldn’t do it for themselves.  But somewhere along the line our kids grew up but we didn’t hand over the responsibility.

Easy peasy

2. Sometimes it is just plain easier to pick up their toys, pack their lunches and straigthen their beds.  It takes less time and energy then yelling at your kids and/or painstakingly reinforcing good behaviour with star charts or chocolate biscuit bribes.  But of course, this is a short term strategy, which ultimately leads to more work for us.

Great expectations

3. We have lower expectations of our children’s capabilities than are necessary.  Who would have known that a 3 year old can empty the dishwasher?  But they can.  With the right encouragement and support.  And even though you may loose a few glasses in the process, it is worth reinforcing their contribution to family life.

Pick up after yourself!

4. We get into the habit of picking up after our partner and it just follows that we pick up after children. This is particularly a problem if your standards and your partner’s standards differ.  And since kids can live in a pigsty, it follows that the person with the lowest tolerance for mess will clean up first.

Obviously, there are many things young kids can’t yet do:

Cook dinner
Change the oil in the car
Earn a living

But it’s only a matter of time, and interest.  And your encouragment.  Confident kids can do stuff. So what can you stop doing for your kids today?

Michael’s workshops are sold out in Melbourne and Sydney, but you can still get tickets for Perth.  Click here for more info.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director Parent Wellbeing

I’ve always maintained that there are as many ways to parent as there are parents and kids.  That is, we are all different.  We all have different histories, personalities and lifestyles and we need to find a way to parent that suits us and our children.

Parenting and being a parent is more art than science.  And finding the best way to care for your kids and yourself takes trial and error, a bit of insight into what makes us and our kids’ tick, and intiution.

But there is one qualifier.  Research tells us something very important about what style of parenting is most beneficial for children and families overall.

Three different parenting styles have been identified:

1. Authoritarian parents

Authoritarian parents are firm, harsh, punitive and emotionally very cold.  They expect their kids to obey them because they are the parents and because ‘They said so…’.  They punish their kids harshly if they misbehave, and they aren’t very loving or affectionate.

2. Permissive parents

Permissive parents are very loving but they are also very lax.  They don’t control or discipline their children.  Instead, kids have the freedom to do what they want when they want, and they don’t receive a lot of guidance about how to live their life.

3. Authoritative parents

Authoritative parents are loving but aren’t too loose with their parenting. They set limits and boundaries, explain why there are boundaries, but they also encourage independence.  And they are loving and emotionally available.

No guessing which style of parenting is the best.  It’s authoritative parenting.

Research shows that children who grow up with authoritarian parents can be unhappy, dependent and submissive.  Kids with permissive parents can be immature, impatient and sometimes aggressive.

Whereas, kids who grow up with authoritative parents are friendly, cooperative, socially responsible and self-reliant.

So if you want a maxim for good parenting remember these three things:

1. Be warm and responsive

2. Set boundaries

3. Be consistent

And within these three guidelines, there is plenty of room for being the parent you want to be.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing

Yesterday there was news of research from the UK, which discovered that babies in backwards facing prams (where the baby is looking towards whoever is pushing the pram) versus forward facing prams (where the baby is looking away whoever is pushing the pram) benefit from more interaction and conversation.

Interesting research.  Particularly when we know the developmental benefits of babies smiling, laughing and chatting with others.

But the big problem I had with this research was this amazing conclusion drawn by the researchers and quoted in the papers:

“For many babies today, life in a buggy is emotionally impoverished and possibly stressful. Stressed babies grow into anxious adults.”

Isn’t this overstating things a little?

I’m sure if babies spent 12 hours of the day in a pram then this conclusion may have some validity but most babies might head out in the pram for an hour or two.

The problem with such statements is that parents with forward facing prams will now be worried about whether they are stunting their child’s development, and out of guilt and worry, will hit the shops to trade in their forward facing pram for a backward facing one.

It’s scaremongering.

Why not suggest ways that parents with a forward facing pram can interact more with their baby - it’s not impossible.

Here are a couple of suggestions.

Ways to chat and interact with your baby in a forward facing pram:

1. As you are walking along, point out interesting sights and attractions like dogs, birds, people, shops - anything at all.

2. Stop from time to time and lean over the pram and give your baby a smile and a reassuring rub on the tummy.

3. Sing to your baby as you walk along.

And there are many more…

Both my children grew up in forward facing prams and they are not emotionally impoverished, developmentally stunted or overally anxious.

What do you think?

By Jodie Benveniste

Director of Parent Wellbeing

To read more about the research:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/tayside_and_central/7739655.stm

We are bombarded by parenting information.  Tips, advice and opinions about what we ’should’ or ’should not’ be doing as parents.

Some of the information is based on well researched, sound scientific principles.

For example, we know that children should not be fed a diet of chips, chocolate and red cordial. That’s not good for them (or for anyone, mind you).

But some of the information is based on whim, fancy or old folk’s tales.

For example, adding a little formula to a baby’s bottle will help them sleep through the night.  If only it were that easy.

But the problem is not so much that there is lots of information and advice readily available.  Information and advice can be incredible invaluable.

It’s that often the information and advice comes couched in ways that make you feel guilty or selfish or downright negligent if you don’t follow it.

The worst examples cover the highly charged issue of sleep.  Let them cry. Don’t let them cry.  Sleep with them.  Don’t sleep with them.

Well, I believe we need to inject a healthy dose of ‘could do’ parenting into the way we think and talk about caring for our kids.

Instead of feeling like we must, should, have to, do something or another.  We need to feel like we can perhaps, maybe, try it, if we like.

I’m not suggesting we use this methodology to justify feeding our children a steady diet of chips, chocolate and red cordial.

But for many decisions we make as parents a ‘could do’ rather than the ’should do’ approach could serve us well.

Here’s how to do it

When you read or are told something you ’should’ be doing with your child, think:

1. Is this issue relevant to myself and my child?  i.e. if you don’t mind that your child wakes for two feeds a night, then there is no problem, no matter what others may say.

2. How is the suggested approach different to what I’m currently doing? i.e. patting or shhing my baby back to sleep rather than feeding her back to sleep is a significant change.

3. What is required for me to use the new approach?  i.e. I’ll need back up if the patting or shhing takes longer than feeding my baby back to sleep.

4. Does the suggested approach fit with my values?  i.e. I believe in comforting my child not ignoring her.

5. Is the suggested approach based on evidence or opinion?

Then once you’ve asked yourself these questions, commit to one of two things:

1. Yes, I will give it a go.  I’d like to try it.

2. No thanks, it’s not for me.  I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

Caring for children is not an exact science.  There is no one foolproof way.  There are many ways.

And when we embrace ‘could do’ parenting and not ’should do’ parenting, we find our own way.

Jodie Benveniste, director Parent Wellbeing

When my daughter was 2 years old I decided to write her regular letters. 

My goal was to write her a letter every 6 months in which I described what she’s been doing, what she’s been saying and how much I love her.

I bought a beautifully lined book, and began.  When my son was 18 months I started his book too.

I haven’t managed to write as frequently as I would like - letters tend to be a year apart.  But when I take the time to sit down and reflect on my children and how amazing they are, it is wonderfully indulgent.

I plan to keep writing these letters reguarly until they are 18 or 21 and then handing them over as a collection of my reflections on their life.

I don’t see the books as an accurate history, but more as a collection of my musings about them.

It is my way of holding time still, and preventing small moments from being forgotten.

It is a memento I am creating for them, but it also makes me feel good.

By taking the time out of my busy life to write the letters, I realise how amazing my children really are, and how grateful I am that they are a part of my life.

How to write a memory book for your children:

1. Buy or find a notebook - either blank or lined.  Or you can write on whatever scrap of paper you can find and bundle the pages together.

2. Find a quiet moment (once the kids are in bed or before they get home from school) and write them a letter.  Talk about whatever you like.  The weather, what they’ve been up to, how you feel about them.  Try not to censor, just write.  And don’t worry about perfect grammar, just write.

3. Add photos or pictures if you like.

That’s it.  Easy!  All it takes is half an hour to an hour of your time.  But it’s value is worth so much more.  Enjoy!