During my recent, very enriching camping trip, I had time to read a book in its entirety from start to finish.  It was luxurious.

The book, which I highly recommend, was The Slap by Australian writer Christos Tsiolkas.

Here is the back cover blurb:

At a suburban barbecue, a man slaps a child who is not his own.

This event has a shocking ricochet effect on a group of people, mostly friends, who are directly or indirectly influenced by the event.

In this remarkable novel, Christos Tsiolkas turns his unflinching and all-seeing eye onto that which connects us all: the modern family and domestic life in the twenty-first century.

The Slap is told from the points of view of eight people who were present at the barbecue. The slap and its consequences force them all to question their own families and the way they live, their expectations, beliefs and desires.

What unfolds is a powerful, haunting novel about love, sex and marriage, parenting and children, and the fury and intensity - all the passions and conflicting beliefs - that family can arouse.

In its clear-eyed and forensic dissection of the ever-growing middle class and its aspirations and fears, The Slap is also a poignant, provocative novel about the nature of loyalty and happiness, compromise and truth.

It is an engaging, engrossing and enticing story, largely because Christos Tsiolkas writes without fear.

Thank you Christos for writing such a deliciously gutsy book.

Has anyone else read The Slap?

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing.

The evidence keeps piling up to show what should already be known and understood:

Working mums are not bad for babies.

Findings from the Growing Up in Australia: The Longitudinal Study of Australian Children found that there is little difference between how much time the babies of working mothers are held, cuddled and read to compared to the babies of full time stay at home mothers.

Australian Institute of Family Studies Research Fellow Dr Jennifer Baxter said the findings indicated that babies of working mothers did not miss out on activities that were considered to be beneficial - in particular being hugged or cuddled, and being read or talked to.

“And while babies spent less time with their mother if she was in paid work, this time appeared to be made up by the babies’ fathers and with other relatives such as grandparents.”

Okay.  Enough said.

Is controlled crying bad for your baby?

Is controlled crying bad for you?

According to The Murdoch Children’s Research Institute at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne controlled crying can be very beneficial for tired and depressed mothers without harming the baby.

Susie O’Brien from the Herald Sun blogged about it and also reported on this study.

And of course, when it comes to baby’s sleep - a very contentious are - not everyone agrees with the research.

But I think it’s important to recognise that the aim of this study was to find out whether helping babies sleep better, by using controlled crying, reduced depression amongst mothers without adversely affecting the babies.

And they found that it did reduce depression amongst mothers and it wasn’t harmful to the baby up to 2 years later.

What this research highlights is the importance of parent wellbeing for baby’s wellbeing.

Depressed mums are not good for kids.

We need to get beyond the ‘best for baby’ argument and look at the ‘best for baby and best for parents’ argument.

Parenting is an amazing, dynamic, and intimate relationship.  It isn’t all about the baby nor all about the parents.

It’s about both.  Their interaction, interrelationship and interdependence.

What this means is - if you don’t have a problem with your baby’s waking through the night, then there is no problem.

But if you do, controlled crying once your baby is older than 6 months, might be worth trying.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

How well do you celebrate your successes?

I wasn’t going to have a launch for Full Belly.  It takes a certain amount of organisation and effort, people are busy, and in some ways it seems a little indulgent.

But I was persauded to have a launch after completing a wellbeing survey online.  The survey which is part of a worldwide study of wellbeing made me realise that when it comes to looking after my own wellbeing there is one thing I’m really bad at.

I’m really good at setting goals - like writing a book about pregnancy and birth.  But I’m terrible at taking the time to reflect and celebrate once the goal has been achieved.

Once I’ve achieved a goal, I tend to do three things:

1. Tick it off the list

2. Think, ‘If I achieved it, it couldn’t have been that difficult’

3. Set another goal

But by doing so, I’m depriving myself of the good positive emotions that come with having identified something I really want to do, working hard to achieve it, and then giving myself a pat on the back.

We often talk about the importance of the ‘journey’ as though it is more important than the ‘outcome’.

But both are important.

And taking the time to reflect, celebrate and enjoy successes is a very important component of wellbeing.

So from now on when I achieve a goal, I’m going to do the following:

1. Tick it off the list

2. Think, ‘If I achieved it, then I’ve done really well!’

3. Find some way to celebrate, however small

4. Set another goal

So we launched Full Belly yesterday.  Thank you to everyone who came along and helped celebrate Full Belly!

You’ve helped me on my path to better wellbeing. And I hope Full Belly helps you and others too!

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing
We inspire parents to become better people and better parents

Read a free extract of Full Belly: Comfort and inspiration for pregnancy and birth
Buy Full Belly: Comfort and inspiration for pregnancy and birth

Whenever I’m on the computer, my kids bug me for colouring in pages. 

My daughter normally wants My Little Pony or Dora or Angelina Ballerina.

And my son likes Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Wiggles.

Now I’ve found a site that has a heap of free colouring in pages including alphabets, animals and other non-licencsed pics!

It’s heavy on the google ads but you can ignore those and instead print cute pages like this little ‘A’ for ant.

Free colouring in pages

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

Recently, I went to hear Michael Grose of Parenting Ideas talk about raising confident kids.

And interestingly, the message I took away, was not so much about what we needed to do as parents but what we needed to NOT do.

One important way to help your kids increase their confidence is to help them build their capabilities.  That is, to help them learn how to do things for themselves.

So Michael’s challenges to us was ‘What can you stop doing for your child.’

And when I thought about it there were many, many things that I do for my kids that they could be doing for themselves.  Here’s just a few:

Make their beds
Pack their drink bottle and lunch box into their bags
Put away their clean clothes
Find their library books

I think there are several reasons why we do stuff for our kids.

Oh how they grow

1. We began making their beds and putting away their clean clothes when they were babies - when clearly they couldn’t do it for themselves.  But somewhere along the line our kids grew up but we didn’t hand over the responsibility.

Easy peasy

2. Sometimes it is just plain easier to pick up their toys, pack their lunches and straigthen their beds.  It takes less time and energy then yelling at your kids and/or painstakingly reinforcing good behaviour with star charts or chocolate biscuit bribes.  But of course, this is a short term strategy, which ultimately leads to more work for us.

Great expectations

3. We have lower expectations of our children’s capabilities than are necessary.  Who would have known that a 3 year old can empty the dishwasher?  But they can.  With the right encouragement and support.  And even though you may loose a few glasses in the process, it is worth reinforcing their contribution to family life.

Pick up after yourself!

4. We get into the habit of picking up after our partner and it just follows that we pick up after children. This is particularly a problem if your standards and your partner’s standards differ.  And since kids can live in a pigsty, it follows that the person with the lowest tolerance for mess will clean up first.

Obviously, there are many things young kids can’t yet do:

Cook dinner
Change the oil in the car
Earn a living

But it’s only a matter of time, and interest.  And your encouragment.  Confident kids can do stuff. So what can you stop doing for your kids today?

Michael’s workshops are sold out in Melbourne and Sydney, but you can still get tickets for Perth.  Click here for more info.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

By Jodie Benveniste, Director Parent Wellbeing

I’ve always maintained that there are as many ways to parent as there are parents and kids.  That is, we are all different.  We all have different histories, personalities and lifestyles and we need to find a way to parent that suits us and our children.

Parenting and being a parent is more art than science.  And finding the best way to care for your kids and yourself takes trial and error, a bit of insight into what makes us and our kids’ tick, and intiution.

But there is one qualifier.  Research tells us something very important about what style of parenting is most beneficial for children and families overall.

Three different parenting styles have been identified:

1. Authoritarian parents

Authoritarian parents are firm, harsh, punitive and emotionally very cold.  They expect their kids to obey them because they are the parents and because ‘They said so…’.  They punish their kids harshly if they misbehave, and they aren’t very loving or affectionate.

2. Permissive parents

Permissive parents are very loving but they are also very lax.  They don’t control or discipline their children.  Instead, kids have the freedom to do what they want when they want, and they don’t receive a lot of guidance about how to live their life.

3. Authoritative parents

Authoritative parents are loving but aren’t too loose with their parenting. They set limits and boundaries, explain why there are boundaries, but they also encourage independence.  And they are loving and emotionally available.

No guessing which style of parenting is the best.  It’s authoritative parenting.

Research shows that children who grow up with authoritarian parents can be unhappy, dependent and submissive.  Kids with permissive parents can be immature, impatient and sometimes aggressive.

Whereas, kids who grow up with authoritative parents are friendly, cooperative, socially responsible and self-reliant.

So if you want a maxim for good parenting remember these three things:

1. Be warm and responsive

2. Set boundaries

3. Be consistent

And within these three guidelines, there is plenty of room for being the parent you want to be.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing

Yesterday there was news of research from the UK, which discovered that babies in backwards facing prams (where the baby is looking towards whoever is pushing the pram) versus forward facing prams (where the baby is looking away whoever is pushing the pram) benefit from more interaction and conversation.

Interesting research.  Particularly when we know the developmental benefits of babies smiling, laughing and chatting with others.

But the big problem I had with this research was this amazing conclusion drawn by the researchers and quoted in the papers:

“For many babies today, life in a buggy is emotionally impoverished and possibly stressful. Stressed babies grow into anxious adults.”

Isn’t this overstating things a little?

I’m sure if babies spent 12 hours of the day in a pram then this conclusion may have some validity but most babies might head out in the pram for an hour or two.

The problem with such statements is that parents with forward facing prams will now be worried about whether they are stunting their child’s development, and out of guilt and worry, will hit the shops to trade in their forward facing pram for a backward facing one.

It’s scaremongering.

Why not suggest ways that parents with a forward facing pram can interact more with their baby - it’s not impossible.

Here are a couple of suggestions.

Ways to chat and interact with your baby in a forward facing pram:

1. As you are walking along, point out interesting sights and attractions like dogs, birds, people, shops - anything at all.

2. Stop from time to time and lean over the pram and give your baby a smile and a reassuring rub on the tummy.

3. Sing to your baby as you walk along.

And there are many more…

Both my children grew up in forward facing prams and they are not emotionally impoverished, developmentally stunted or overally anxious.

What do you think?

By Jodie Benveniste

Director of Parent Wellbeing

To read more about the research:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/tayside_and_central/7739655.stm

My kids love cooking, and Christmas time is a great time to get kids into the kitchen. Here is a family favourite - Christmas gingerbread that you can make into Christmas trees, Christmas santas or some other free form Christmas inspired shape. Baking is the half the fun, and decorating is the other!

125 g of butter
½ cup of golden syrup
1/3 cup of brown sugar
3 cups of plain flour
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of ground ginger
2 teaspoons of bicarbonate soda
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
Red, white and green icing

Preheat the oven to 180 C. Line 3 baking trays with baking paper.

Heat the butter, golden syrup and sugar over a low heat until butter has melted. Stir to combine, and then set aside.

Sift flour, cinnamon, ground ginger, and soda into a bowl. Stir in butter mixture, egg and vanilla essence. Press together to form a dough. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for 10 minutes.

While you’re waiting you can make the icing in as many colours as you like.

Kneed the dough lightly on a floured surface. Roll dough to about a 5mm thickness. Cut shapes with a cutter. Place on baking trays and bake for 10 minutes or until golden. Cool on the trays.

Decorate the gingerbread with icing. Enjoy!

Makes 20

We are bombarded by parenting information.  Tips, advice and opinions about what we ’should’ or ’should not’ be doing as parents.

Some of the information is based on well researched, sound scientific principles.

For example, we know that children should not be fed a diet of chips, chocolate and red cordial. That’s not good for them (or for anyone, mind you).

But some of the information is based on whim, fancy or old folk’s tales.

For example, adding a little formula to a baby’s bottle will help them sleep through the night.  If only it were that easy.

But the problem is not so much that there is lots of information and advice readily available.  Information and advice can be incredible invaluable.

It’s that often the information and advice comes couched in ways that make you feel guilty or selfish or downright negligent if you don’t follow it.

The worst examples cover the highly charged issue of sleep.  Let them cry. Don’t let them cry.  Sleep with them.  Don’t sleep with them.

Well, I believe we need to inject a healthy dose of ‘could do’ parenting into the way we think and talk about caring for our kids.

Instead of feeling like we must, should, have to, do something or another.  We need to feel like we can perhaps, maybe, try it, if we like.

I’m not suggesting we use this methodology to justify feeding our children a steady diet of chips, chocolate and red cordial.

But for many decisions we make as parents a ‘could do’ rather than the ’should do’ approach could serve us well.

Here’s how to do it

When you read or are told something you ’should’ be doing with your child, think:

1. Is this issue relevant to myself and my child?  i.e. if you don’t mind that your child wakes for two feeds a night, then there is no problem, no matter what others may say.

2. How is the suggested approach different to what I’m currently doing? i.e. patting or shhing my baby back to sleep rather than feeding her back to sleep is a significant change.

3. What is required for me to use the new approach?  i.e. I’ll need back up if the patting or shhing takes longer than feeding my baby back to sleep.

4. Does the suggested approach fit with my values?  i.e. I believe in comforting my child not ignoring her.

5. Is the suggested approach based on evidence or opinion?

Then once you’ve asked yourself these questions, commit to one of two things:

1. Yes, I will give it a go.  I’d like to try it.

2. No thanks, it’s not for me.  I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

Caring for children is not an exact science.  There is no one foolproof way.  There are many ways.

And when we embrace ‘could do’ parenting and not ’should do’ parenting, we find our own way.

Jodie Benveniste, director Parent Wellbeing