We’re getting ready for a Parent Wellbeing overhaul.

But before we begin, we need your help!

We would love to know what you think about Parent Wellbeing as it currently exists, and how it can change so it is more valuable to you and your life.

We’ve got millions of ideas, but ideas are only useful to us if they’re useful to you.

So please take 5 mins to answer our Parent Wellbeing Revamp survey - and go in the running to win a $50.00 Westfield Voucher!

Click on the link below to complete our 5 min survey and to go in the running to win a $50.00 Westfield Voucher.

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We look forward to hearing your thoughts!

A very important study was published in the latest issue of the Journal of Family Issues.

Constance Gager and Scott Yabiku, concerned about the state of American marriages posed the question: Are working parents, given the time pressures of modern life, getting enough sex?

How often you have sex is supposedly a barometer of the quality of your marriage.

Researchers don’t know how much sex is enough but people who have more sex (than those who have less sex) report feeling happier about their marriages.

And for the record, in this study, couples had sex an average of 1.6 times per week(!)

Now Gager and Yabiku weren’t just interested in sexual frequency.

They also wanted to know how sexual frequency linked to the highly vexed question of housework because who puts the bin out (otherwise known as division of housework) and how often you get it on (otherwise known as sexual frequency) are the most common sources of disagreements in marriage.

This is what we know about housework

1. Men are doing more housework than ever before. But that was off a very low base. Cooking a BBQ doesn’t count.

2. Women are doing less housework than they used to. But that’s because the majority are out doing paid work.

3. Women still do twice as much housework as men. Yes twice as much. And as a consequence have less leisure time. Don’t we know it.

Now for the results

(As an aside, the study only looked at how much sex you have - not how long it lasted or how good it was. Obviously, not so important).

Here are three results we could have predicted:

1. The older you get the less sex you have.

2. The longer your relationship the less sex you have.

3. The younger your children the less sex you have.

But now for the fascinating findings:

1. The more housework you do the more sex!

2. The more time in the paid workforce the more sex!

So what can we conclude from this revolutionary study?

For men

Grab that apron and do 1, hell, why not all, of the following household tasks covered in the study: (a) prepare a meal, (b) wash the dishes, (c) clean the house, (d) shop, (e) wash and iron, (f) pay the bills, (g) drive other household members to work, school, or other activities, (h) perform outdoor tasks, and (i) do auto maintenance. Then you just might get lucky tonight!

For women

Get out into the paid workforce now! It might just save your marriage or at least make life a bit more fun.

Naming your baby is one of the great privileges of being a parent.  But it is also a huge responsibility.

Baby name trends come and go but your baby has to live with their name across a lifetime.

Your name defines you.

So how do you choose?

Some parents honour family history, some parents look to celebrities or baby name lists, and others just go with their gut.

To help you choose your baby’s name, here are the top Australian baby names for 2009.

Top baby names - Girls

Amelia
Ava
Charlotte
Chloe
Ella
Emily
Isabella
Lily
Mia
Olivia
Ruby
Sienna
Sophie

Top boy names - Boys

Benjamin
Cooper
Ethan
Jack
James
Joshua
Lachlan
Lucas
Noah
Oliver
Riley
Thomas
William

Courtesy of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

The main strategy for my happiness project is to make and keep resolutions. I’ve made dozens, maybe hundreds of resolutions, and I have Resolutions Chart where I score myself on the most important resolutions. I constantly remind myself, “It’s important to keep that resolution! It will make me happier!” and usually it does.

But I have at least one resolution that I just can’t seem to keep, and I’ve decided to resolve to do just the opposite, to “Give up that resolution.”

I’m giving up my long-standing, often-repeated resolution to “Entertain more.” Fact is, I’ve never really committed to that resolution: I never broke the goal down into steps that I could follow and pushed myself to keep them. Well, why not? Why was I able to keep resolutions like Stop gossiping and Read more and Don’t expect praise or appreciation, but not this one?

I want to entertain more, but clearly, I also do NOT want to entertain more. Finally I realized - I need to give up this resolution for a while.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. The Happiness Project book is finally about to hit the shelves, and that means a lot of work - not just writing work, which I’m used to, but other kinds of work. My children need a lot of attention. My husband has been traveling a fair amount. When I have some spare time, I want to just hang around the apartment and read; I don’t want another to-do list, even for something fun. Some people like party errands (flowers, food, fixing up the house, figuring out whom to invite), but I don’t.

So I’ve decided to abandon that resolution for a while.

Starting an exercise routine. Learning Italian. Cleaning the basement. We all have longstanding resolutions hanging over our heads - resolutions that we want to keep, but we don’t really make much progress towards, and which can therefore give us a feeling of powerlessness or failure. As important as it is to try to keep resolutions, sometimes you need to give up a resolution.

Sometimes, too, I think a resolution can block you. You don’t have any nice clothes because you want to lose weight. You don’t read any novels because you’ve promised yourself to read War and Peace. Letting go of one resolution might make it easier to keep other resolutions.

The thing is, I know if I’d keep the resolution to “Entertain more,” it would make me happier. But I’m going to admit to myself how happy it will make me not to keep that resolution.

How about you? Have you ever boosted your happiness when you gave up a resolution?

Courtesy of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project

*The best reading is re-reading.

*Outer order contributes to inner calm.

*The opposite of a great truth is also true.

*You manage what you measure.

*By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.

*People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.

*It’s nice to have plenty of money.

*Most decisions don’t require extensive research.

*Try not to let yourself get too hungry.

*Even if you think they’re fake, it’s nice to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

*If you can’t find something, clean up.

*The days are long, but the years are short.

*Someplace, keep an empty shelf.

*Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.

*It’s okay to ask for help.

*You can choose what you do; you can’t choose what you LIKE to do.

*Happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy.

*What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.

*You don’t have to be good at everything.

*Soap and water removes most stains.

*It’s important to be nice to EVERYONE.

*You know as much as most people.

*Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.

*Eat better, eat less, exercise more.

*What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.

*People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.

*Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.

*If you’re not failing, you’re not trying hard enough.

*No deposit, no return.

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project

Webdesigner Depot have posted about The Most Controversial Magazine Covers of all Time.

These are US publications so maybe it isn’t surprising that a baby magazine that published a breastfeeding baby on it’s front cover was included in the list.

Apparently some found the August 2006 of Baby Talk despicable.  And this was in 2006 not 1956!  Get over it already!

This is what the blog had to say:

While this image seems benign to most people who have been involved with a baby in one fashion or another, the cover was decried as obscene.

Even though moms made up the target demographic, a survey of 4000 of them turned up the fact that 25% had a negative response.

One mother actually shredded the magazine so that her 13-year old son couldn’t see it. Not that he likely noticed; he was probably on the computer downloading porn watching tips from Kanye.

And here is the beautiful cover:

It’s a baby eating is all.

Kim Clijsters win at the US Open, after entering on a wildcard and only 5 weeks back into international competition, shows how powerful motherhood can really be.

Unbelievably, she is the first mother to win a grand slam since Evonne Goolagong Cawley, from Australia, at Wimbledon in 1980.

Here is how Kim explained her win in The Times Online:

“Really, I’d only hit the ball three or four times since my first career ended,” she said. “I had become pregnant, there was a further nine months of breastfeeding, I was helping take care of my father, who was so sick [Leo died of cancer in January never knowing his daughter would play professionally again], there was my husband to look after. To tell you the truth, having ten minutes to myself was a major relaxation.”

Armed with a cause - to get herself truly fit again - Clijsters took up the same programme she had when she played first time around, but with a greater intensity than before. “It was really a lot of physical work and then we kind of added tennis back on when I got closer to playing,” she said. “There was Jada to think of, of course. I didn’t want her to be so connected with me that I couldn’t leave her side, it’s important she is around a lot of family, she can sleep at her grandparents, she can sleep at my sister’s.

“At first, when I was leaving to go and train, I’d see her at the window crying and I’d have to rush back in and give her a big hug. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. Now, I say to her, ‘Mummy’s going off to practise’ and she says, ‘Bye-bye’. Because she knows I’m coming home, everything is fine.

“It is nice to know that what I have done here might inspire a few people. Even before I started to play again, everyone was interested to know what stroller I was buying, what baby food Jada preferred, it is automatically a little different if you are a bit well known.”

Kim has shown that motherhood can be the make and not the break of your career.  Well done Kim!

One benefit of pregnancy is that your body is really, really good at telling you what it needs.

When pregnant, you’re not just hungry, you are absolutely famished.  And you must eat NOW!

And when pregnant, you’re not just tired, you are utterly exhausted.  And you must rest NOW!

Your body tells you what it needs to grow a healthy baby, and you must listen.

When you’re not pregnant, your body is still good at telling you what it needs but you have to listen more carefully.  It doesn’t yell as loud.

It says, hello there I’m hungry.  I’m thirsty.  Can you please feed me, please?  But when you’re busy doing other things you can easily overlook hunger and thirst, and just keep going.

It also says, hello there I’m tired.  Can I please go to bed?  But you can easily ignore the signs and keep going until you get your second wind.

I’m guilty not so much of forgetting to eat(!) but definitely of forgetting to drink lots of water, and get to bed early enough.

Your body can cope with such neglect for awhile but then it gets seriously annoyed.  And you start to feel run down or you get sick.

My naturopath gave me a simple formula for listening to my body, and looking after myself.

It is as simple as:

Eating healthy nutritious food when you are hungry.

Drinking water when you are thirsty.

Going to the toilet when your body tells you to.

And going to bed when you are tired.

Simple.  So simple we can sometimes forget how important it is to heed our body’s call.

How often do you listen to your body?

We’ve all probably experienced it - resentment - particularly aimed at our partner.

“You go off and work and I’m left to do everything at home.”

“You don’t understand what kind of pressure I’m under at work.  You get to play with the kids and be at home all day.”

“I work too.  But I’m still expected to do more of the housework.”

These are all legitimate feelings and complaints.  But if left to fester they can become toxic.

Our partners are an easy target for our angst.  And there is angst aplenty when you are trying to raise a family, pay off a mortgage, build a career and overall, live a good life.

That’s why I was fascinated to read a brave and revealing letter to the editor in the latest issue of Adelaide’s Child magazine.

The letter was from a dad who believed his stay-at-home-wife’s resentment ruined their relationship.

We often don’t hear the dad’s perspective so it was very interesting to hear his point of view.  (To understand the complete story, we would of course need to her view as well.)

But we often think we have it worse off - when really we both are experiencing difficulities.

It also saddens me that this couple did not get counselling earlier to see if they could resolve some of their issues.

Support, understanding and communication are the way through any relationship challenge.

Below is an extract from the letter.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this issue.

“I’d like to respond to Mary Kirby’s article At Home and Not Happy (July 2009). The words could have come directly from my wife - the same resentment and anger about being stuck at home with small children. All very understandable and explainable. There is, however, another party involved: the husband and the situation impacts on him too, particularly when his wife is so unhappy.

When our second child was born, my wife became steadily more resentful towards me. If I went away on a business trip, it was labelled a ‘junket’ or a ‘holiday’. Being late home from work was greeted with a frosty atmosphere. Needing time on my own (a common need for males) was tantamount to a declaration of war. Two hours spent with a mate once every three weeks playing snooker even attracted disapproval and subsequent punishment.

House tasks were done by her before I’d even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking regularly to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever-growing list of inadequacies.

One day after about three years, all of a sudden I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the tension, the bitterness and resentment and the constant psychological attacks. So I walked out to save my sanity and remaining semblance of self-respect. Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviour.

I’ve since re-partnered, and my new partner has two small kids too. But there is no tension, and we are yet to have an argument. I do stuff around the house without needing to be asked because I’m not stressed, under attack and needing to escape all the time. I’m no longer resentful for being resented…I no longer have the constant guilt that goes with having an unhappy partner who tells you it’s your fault…

The pattern of blaming males is particularly destructive. Men tend to initially avoid the problem, which makes it worse. Then they get down and depressed. Then if pushed too far, they will eventually seek to escape - through alcohol, drugs, going on trips, having affairs or leaving their partner permanently…

Love needs kind words and actions to survive and grow, or it slowly dies and fades away.”

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the problem of drift in happiness. Drift is the decision you make by not deciding, or by making a decision that unleashes consequences for which you don’t take responsibility. (”Drift” isn’t an actual psychological term, like situation evocation or emotional contagion; it’s just a word that I use).

I fear drift. Drift feels small, but once unleashed, drift is a powerful, often almost unstoppable, force.

An engaged friend couldn’t have made it more plain that she didn’t want to get married. I asked her, “Imagine that something happened, and you couldn’t get married next month. Your fiancé absolutely had to move to China for a year, alone, or you had to have a big operation. How would you feel?” “Relieved,” she said. And yet she went through with the wedding, and got divorced a year later.

I drifted into law school. I didn’t know what else I wanted to do, it seemed like a legitimate, useful way to spend a few years, it would keep my options open…I didn’t really think much about the decision. As it turns out, I’m very glad I went to law school - drift sometimes does lead to a happy result, which contributes to its dangerous appeal - but I didn’t approach law school mindfully. And many, many people who go to law school are not happy they went.

Just taking one drifting step can you set you in a course that’s very hard to stop. In my case, I drifted into taking the LSAT (the law-school application test). “Why not, might as well, could come in handy, maybe I’ll be glad I did,” etc. This is a good example of the fact that drifting doesn’t always mean taking the easier course; it was a lot of trouble to prepare and take the LSAT, but it was still drift.

Some situations look like drift but aren’t. You may be following a pathless path — and that’s fine, if that’s what you intend to do. Or you may have to choose between multiple courses, with their pros and cons, and you can’t decide which you want, and while you’re deciding, life continues rolling along. This isn’t drift, because you’re actively weighing your options. Sometimes, it’s helpful to postpone making a decision, either because you get more information or because your own preferences reveal themselves. However, if this goes on too long - and it’s hard to know what’s too long - it can become drift.

The tricky thing about drift is that people rarely want to admit to themselves that they’re drifting. So what’s a good way to catch yourself in drift? I tried to make a list of warning signs for myself:

Drift warning signs

Thinking “This situation can’t go on,” but then it does go on.

Complaining a lot about a situation without working to find ways to make it better.

Hoping that some catastrophe or upheaval will arise to blow up a situation, e.g., fantasizing that you’ll break your leg or be transferred to another city.

Feeling that other people or processes are moving events forward, and you’re being passively carried along.

Getting the urge to do or have something because the people around you are doing it or want it. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “Just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t mean it’s fun for you - and vice versa.”

Have you ever caught yourself in drift? What are some other warning signs?

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project