We’ve all probably experienced it - resentment - particularly aimed at our partner.
“You go off and work and I’m left to do everything at home.”
“You don’t understand what kind of pressure I’m under at work. You get to play with the kids and be at home all day.”
“I work too. But I’m still expected to do more of the housework.”
These are all legitimate feelings and complaints. But if left to fester they can become toxic.
Our partners are an easy target for our angst. And there is angst aplenty when you are trying to raise a family, pay off a mortgage, build a career and overall, live a good life.
That’s why I was fascinated to read a brave and revealing letter to the editor in the latest issue of Adelaide’s Child magazine.
The letter was from a dad who believed his stay-at-home-wife’s resentment ruined their relationship.
We often don’t hear the dad’s perspective so it was very interesting to hear his point of view. (To understand the complete story, we would of course need to her view as well.)
But we often think we have it worse off - when really we both are experiencing difficulities.
It also saddens me that this couple did not get counselling earlier to see if they could resolve some of their issues.
Support, understanding and communication are the way through any relationship challenge.
Below is an extract from the letter.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this issue.
“I’d like to respond to Mary Kirby’s article At Home and Not Happy (July 2009). The words could have come directly from my wife - the same resentment and anger about being stuck at home with small children. All very understandable and explainable. There is, however, another party involved: the husband and the situation impacts on him too, particularly when his wife is so unhappy.
When our second child was born, my wife became steadily more resentful towards me. If I went away on a business trip, it was labelled a ‘junket’ or a ‘holiday’. Being late home from work was greeted with a frosty atmosphere. Needing time on my own (a common need for males) was tantamount to a declaration of war. Two hours spent with a mate once every three weeks playing snooker even attracted disapproval and subsequent punishment.
House tasks were done by her before I’d even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking regularly to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever-growing list of inadequacies.
One day after about three years, all of a sudden I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the tension, the bitterness and resentment and the constant psychological attacks. So I walked out to save my sanity and remaining semblance of self-respect. Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviour.
I’ve since re-partnered, and my new partner has two small kids too. But there is no tension, and we are yet to have an argument. I do stuff around the house without needing to be asked because I’m not stressed, under attack and needing to escape all the time. I’m no longer resentful for being resented…I no longer have the constant guilt that goes with having an unhappy partner who tells you it’s your fault…
The pattern of blaming males is particularly destructive. Men tend to initially avoid the problem, which makes it worse. Then they get down and depressed. Then if pushed too far, they will eventually seek to escape - through alcohol, drugs, going on trips, having affairs or leaving their partner permanently…
Love needs kind words and actions to survive and grow, or it slowly dies and fades away.”