This weekend my husband took the kids on a dads and kids weekend, along with my brother and his kids.  It’s now an annual event in our family.  The dads get to hang out with their kids, and the mums get some time off.

When I told some other mums about what was happening on the weekend, they looked at me wide-eyed and said, ‘What are you going to do?’

Well, this is what I did this weekend:

Slept in
Read a book
Went to yoga
Watched a chick flick
Ate takeaway
Did a tarot reading
Watched the footy
Did some writing
Went for a walk
Went to a birth blessing
Cranked the car stereo up loud
Wrote a blog or two
Read the paper

In other words, I did exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  And it was luxurious!

Next weekend, my husband is off hiking with the boys while I look after the kids. And I don’t mind at all.

One benefit of pregnancy is that your body is really, really good at telling you what it needs.

When pregnant, you’re not just hungry, you are absolutely famished.  And you must eat NOW!

And when pregnant, you’re not just tired, you are utterly exhausted.  And you must rest NOW!

Your body tells you what it needs to grow a healthy baby, and you must listen.

When you’re not pregnant, your body is still good at telling you what it needs but you have to listen more carefully.  It doesn’t yell as loud.

It says, hello there I’m hungry.  I’m thirsty.  Can you please feed me, please?  But when you’re busy doing other things you can easily overlook hunger and thirst, and just keep going.

It also says, hello there I’m tired.  Can I please go to bed?  But you can easily ignore the signs and keep going until you get your second wind.

I’m guilty not so much of forgetting to eat(!) but definitely of forgetting to drink lots of water, and get to bed early enough.

Your body can cope with such neglect for awhile but then it gets seriously annoyed.  And you start to feel run down or you get sick.

My naturopath gave me a simple formula for listening to my body, and looking after myself.

It is as simple as:

Eating healthy nutritious food when you are hungry.

Drinking water when you are thirsty.

Going to the toilet when your body tells you to.

And going to bed when you are tired.

Simple.  So simple we can sometimes forget how important it is to heed our body’s call.

How often do you listen to your body?

By Marie-Josée Salvas
Courtesy of Positive Psychology News Daily

On the outside, busy seems to rhyme with happy. Busy people seem successful, needed and important. Busyness is, after all, serious business.

Yet on the inside, busy is often a cousin of misery. We make it through the day, run to soccer practice, shorten our night’s sleep, survive through the week, and finish off what is left on our to-do list over the weekend.

It is customary to describe our workload with words like crazy and expressions like “no time to breathe.” Before we realize it, we race through our lives and forget to verify whether what we are doing helps make us into the person we want to be.

We also discuss time in very financial terms. As Ilona Boniwell describes in Positive Psychology in a Nutshell, “We save it, spend it, waste it, we never have enough of it.” Time is now seen as a non-renewable resource, and as such, it is precious.

Time or energy?

But is time really our most precious resource? When facing increasing demand, the best response is to augment capacity, not time on task. The Power of Full Engagement authors Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz explain: “Energy, not time, is our most precious resource… Performance, health and happiness are grounded in the skillful management of energy.”

They suggest a new paradigm, which I believe to be much more interesting than its predecessor. Rather than go through life as if it were a marathon, they recommend we approach it as a series of sprints.The focus shifts from managing our time more efficiently with fancy blackberries and ever-shorter email strategies to managing our energy more effectively, avoiding both over and underuse.

In an economy driven by the innovative capacity of its workers, rather than making our mind the sole contributor to work and performance, their model recognizes that energy comes from four separate but related sources: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Neglecting one source will have repercussions on the others. Mind and body are one - as they are in real life.

Strive then rest

To build capacity, they recommend we strive to push beyond our known limits, thus setting them further back, which is the exact technique athletes of many disciplines have used for years and years. Following the effort, rest is necessary, not only for our subjective benefit, but also for our body and brain to process and register the information that a new boundary was established.

Downtime is no longer an unproductive indulgence, but a necessary procedure that prepares us for the next effort. While this equilibrium seems very much intuitive, it uncovers the less obvious conclusion that constant busyness impedes greatness.

I believe this new approach deserves consideration. If there is a small voice inside that is begging you for a rest, pay attention. You will engage and perform better after recovery. If you score high on the strengths of perseverance and achievement, learn to celebrate downtime - it’s your best ally!

For me, Mother Nature is most spectacular when the imposing structure of mountains meets the stillness of a water source. Likewise, peaks and valleys are equally necessary to make life optimally beautiful.

By Marie-Josée Salvas
Courtesy of Positive Psychology News Daily

I’ve always appreciated the benefits that meditation can bring - a sense of calm, contentedness and connectedness.

But I’ve never been very good at meditating.  I find the whole suspending thought thing very difficult!

Of course meditation is a skill that gets easier with practice.  And clearly I haven’t practised enough.

But I’ve found another form of meditating that I’m enjoying more.

It’s called Loving Kindness Meditation.

In their book, The Gift of Loving-Kindness, Mary Brantley and Tesilya Hanauer explain how Loving Kindness Meditation is about being friendly to yourself and others.

By practicing Loving Kindness Meditation, you develop positive feelings about yourself and others around you.

And this is what I particularly like about it.  When you practice Loving Kindness Meditation you repeat a series of phrases aimed at yourself, someone you love, someone you feel neutral about, a difficult person or all living things.

I find repeating phrases so much easier to focus on than no thoughts at all.

Loving Kindness Meditation How to

In their book, Brantley and Hanauer outline a simple beginning meditation of the following four phrases:

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be peaceful.

May I be safe.

You can also substitute ‘I’ for others you’d like to direct your meditation too.

And of course, you can play around with the phrases to find ones that suit you.

Lately, I’ve been concentrating on:

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be calm.

May I be connected.

I’ve also substituted the last two for:

May I be confident

May I calm.

The beauty about Loving Kindness Meditation is that you can do it almost anywhere - walking on the beach, lying in bed before you go to sleep, and of course in lotus position.

And you can even give it a go when stuck in traffic, in your lunch hour, or while waiting in line.

It is a very adaptable practice, and in their book, The Gift of Loving-Kindness, Brantley & Hanauer outline 100 ways you can use it.

Plus, most importantly, renowned happiness scholar Barbara Fredrickson, has found that practicing Loving Kindness Meditation has helped people savour more, be more mindful, accept themselves, find positive meaning, and trust others.  People have shown to become less depressed and to enjoy life more.

So if meditation is your thing, Loving Kindness Meditation might be worth a try.

by Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

We’ve all probably experienced it - resentment - particularly aimed at our partner.

“You go off and work and I’m left to do everything at home.”

“You don’t understand what kind of pressure I’m under at work.  You get to play with the kids and be at home all day.”

“I work too.  But I’m still expected to do more of the housework.”

These are all legitimate feelings and complaints.  But if left to fester they can become toxic.

Our partners are an easy target for our angst.  And there is angst aplenty when you are trying to raise a family, pay off a mortgage, build a career and overall, live a good life.

That’s why I was fascinated to read a brave and revealing letter to the editor in the latest issue of Adelaide’s Child magazine.

The letter was from a dad who believed his stay-at-home-wife’s resentment ruined their relationship.

We often don’t hear the dad’s perspective so it was very interesting to hear his point of view.  (To understand the complete story, we would of course need to her view as well.)

But we often think we have it worse off - when really we both are experiencing difficulities.

It also saddens me that this couple did not get counselling earlier to see if they could resolve some of their issues.

Support, understanding and communication are the way through any relationship challenge.

Below is an extract from the letter.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this issue.

“I’d like to respond to Mary Kirby’s article At Home and Not Happy (July 2009). The words could have come directly from my wife - the same resentment and anger about being stuck at home with small children. All very understandable and explainable. There is, however, another party involved: the husband and the situation impacts on him too, particularly when his wife is so unhappy.

When our second child was born, my wife became steadily more resentful towards me. If I went away on a business trip, it was labelled a ‘junket’ or a ‘holiday’. Being late home from work was greeted with a frosty atmosphere. Needing time on my own (a common need for males) was tantamount to a declaration of war. Two hours spent with a mate once every three weeks playing snooker even attracted disapproval and subsequent punishment.

House tasks were done by her before I’d even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking regularly to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever-growing list of inadequacies.

One day after about three years, all of a sudden I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the tension, the bitterness and resentment and the constant psychological attacks. So I walked out to save my sanity and remaining semblance of self-respect. Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviour.

I’ve since re-partnered, and my new partner has two small kids too. But there is no tension, and we are yet to have an argument. I do stuff around the house without needing to be asked because I’m not stressed, under attack and needing to escape all the time. I’m no longer resentful for being resented…I no longer have the constant guilt that goes with having an unhappy partner who tells you it’s your fault…

The pattern of blaming males is particularly destructive. Men tend to initially avoid the problem, which makes it worse. Then they get down and depressed. Then if pushed too far, they will eventually seek to escape - through alcohol, drugs, going on trips, having affairs or leaving their partner permanently…

Love needs kind words and actions to survive and grow, or it slowly dies and fades away.”

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

A few days ago, I was extremely upset. It’s too complicated to explain the whole situation, but an encounter left me feeling anxious, agitated, under attack, and sad. I did what I could to resolve the situation, but I still felt terrible.

When I have a day like this, I try to make it a Good Bad Day. I take the steps that tend to make me feel better or, if they don’t make me feel better, at least give me the kind of day on which I can look back with satisfaction.

To have a Good Bad Day, I made sure to:

1. Exercise.
For me, exercise is a key element to managing my moods. It calms me and energizes me at the same time. Its rituals are comforting. It’s productive but not intellectually or socially demanding. Also, exercise is so obviously a key to good health that if I manage to exercise, I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile in my day, no matter what else happens.

2. Do something nice for someone else.
The first part of the Second Splendid Truth is “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy” (also known as the “Do good, feel good” provision). I sent out some emails that I knew would be useful for other people. Doesn’t sound like much, but it took a lot out of me.

3. Stop ruminating.
My inclination was to go over and over the details of the upsetting episode and to conduct imaginary arguments. Instead, I tried to keep my resolution to Find an area of refuge. Studies show that dwelling on negative thoughts amplifies their power in your mind. In fact, some researchers suggest that a reason that more women suffer depression than men is that women are more likely to “overthink,” while men are better at distracting themselves from negative thoughts.

4. Connect with someone important to me.
I called my sister.

5. Tackle a nagging task.
Crossing things off a to-do list is energizing and cheering. I took the time to clear my desk - not just physically removing piles of papers, but also doing the tasks that the papers represented. Copying research notes from various sources, making a dentist’s appointment, and making progress on my blog re-design gave me a feeling of control and accomplishment.

6. Do something silly and lighthearted with my children.
I videotaped my four-year-old as she danced and sang in her mermaid costume with her new mermaid doll, and we had a family bubble-blowing extravaganza. And throughout all these steps, I tried to…

7. Act the way I want to feel.
Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. I get worked up very easily, but I tried to act cheerful instead of allowing myself to get agitated, wring my hands, etc. My mother often reminds me, “Stay calm,” and I need that advice frequently.

8. Ask for help.
I said to my husband, “I really need to talk to you. I’m really upset, I want to tell you what happened today and talk to you about it, okay?” Being a sympathetic listener isn’t my husband’s strongest point, and truth be told, he wasn’t very comforting — but I think that by explaining that I needed him to try to do his best to help, I did help him do the best he could.

But nothing really worked. I still felt lousy. So I made sure to…

8. Go to sleep early.
It’s true, everything does look better in the morning. Also, the longer I work on my happiness project, the more importance I give to sleep. Getting enough sleep just makes a tremendous difference to happiness.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt better. The situation still upsets me, but not as much as it did. When I have a bad day, it helps to have a good bad day.

Have you found any strategies for making a bad day better? What works for you?

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Yesterday, I ran our Work Family Wellbeing workshop at a construction company.  We spent the day focusing on wellbeing rather than balance, and taught people tools to increase their wellbeing and make the most of their work and family lives.

During one of the breaks, one of the participants asked me which of the wellbeing tools I use regularly.  It was an interesting question.

I do use a number of the wellbeing tools but not all the time.

When you live a busy life, it can be easy to get bogged down in daily hassles, and forget about caring for yourself.

But lately, I’ve been reminding myself of their importance and value.

And in fact, yesterday’s workshop was a great reminder to me of the need to always be checking in with myself - and listening to the true responses!

To be asking myself:

How well do I feel physically?
Do I need more sleep?
Do I need to forgo the muffin?
Do I need to exercise more?

How well do I feel emotionally?
Do I need to tell someone how I really feel?
Do I need time to myself?
Do I need to indulge myself in a little luxury?

How well do I feel domestically?
Is everyone pulling their weight?
Do I need to cut out some trivial tasks and save myself some time?
Do I need to lower my expectations?

I came away from yesterday’s workshop realising that wellbeing is a lifelong pursuit.  It takes commitment and dedication.  But it can be done.

On the way home in the cab I had a lovely chat with the cabbie about his kids.  When I got home, I gave my kids a big hug and told them I loved them.  And even when my daughter had a meltdown about wanting noodles and not pasta for dinner, I stayed calm and reasonable and loving.

And I went to bed happier.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing.

We spent last week in the beautiful Flinders Ranges camping.  It was a week of cold and rain and wind - but it was a truly enriching week.

There was no mobile phone coverage, no laptops and no TV screens.

There were no showers, no formal shelter and no appointments to keep.

We survived with tents, a canopy-clad kitchen, and a campfire.

We kept warm and dry in rain coats, gum boots, and thermal underwear.

We spent our time, walking, reading and chatting - and eating.

And the kids played amongst the creeks, rocks and trees.

We got away from it all - and we got back to nature, ourselves and each other.

Our holiday cost us only 2 tanks of petrol - but was worth so much more.

And we returned to civilisation with a renewed perspective on what’s important - and what isn’t.

Here are three important lessons I learnt from camping with the kids:

1. When kids have the freedom to roam and explore amongst nature, they rarely get bored.

2. You don’t need 24/7 email, phone, text contact with others to live a good life.

3. Taking a week out of life leads to a better life.

Camping is good for the soul.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing.

Ever felt unappreciated?  Ever felt taken for granted?    Ever found yourself doing everything for everyone else while no one seemed to do anything (or much) for you?  Well, I certainly have.  And it’s not a good feeling.

Here’s three ideas to tackle these feelings head on - and no it doesn’t involve yelling at your partner or your kids.

1. Appreciate yourself

It is lovely to be admired by others - but how often do we admire ourselves?  How often do we recognise the hard work and love we contribute to our families. How often do we stop and reflect on our bounty?

We’re more likely to beat ourselves up for things we ‘didn’t do’ or ‘didn’t do well’ or ‘didn’t do well enough’.

If you like approval or validation from others, perhaps it’s time for some self-approval and self-validation.

Even if others don’t always voice their appreciation, you can appreciate yourself.

2. Appreciate others

When living busy demanding lives, we can forget to acknowledge others.

It’s easy to think our partners have the better deal because they get to ‘go to work’ or they get to ’stay at home’.  But oftentimes, no one has the better deal - the roles are different but equally demanding.

How often do you thank your partner for picking up the dry cleaning, caring for the kids all day, bringing home the bacon?  Probably not as often as you could.

By voicing your appreciation  for others, it might just be reciprocated.

3. Think differently

Instead of thinking, ‘I spent hours cooking a beautiful meal that the kids hardly touched.  No one appreciates me!’  Think, ‘It’s the end of the week, and the kids are tired.  They can have leftovers tomorrow - which means tomorrow I don’t have to cook at all!’

Instead of thinking, ‘My partner’s working late again, and I’ve got to deal with the kids again. No one appreciates me!’ Think, ‘My partner is busy at work, and is under a lot of pressure. Instead of getting angry, we need to talk about how we can help each other. We’ll sit down over the weekend, and talk about it.’

We all go through times of feeling unappreciated. But the resentment doesn’t have to build until you explode.

Instead, try appreciating yourself, voicing your appreciation for others, and thinking a little differently. It just might help!

By Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing

We know from wellbeing research that a good life is a meaningful life.  And a meaningful life is made up of meaningful moments.

Getting a promotion, having a baby, or getting married are all incredibly life affirming, life changing, meaningful experiences.

We know they are meaningful because we celebrate them with family, friends and colleagues.

But meaningful moments do not have to be momentous to be beneficial.

Meaningful moments can be much smaller, subtler experiences that add texture, interest and value to your life.

Unlike significant life events, these small moments can often go unnoticed.  No one sends a gift, takes lots of happy snaps or makes a fuss.  Life goes on.

But you can acknowledge these moments.  You can stop and reflect and recognise these experiences for what they are.

One way to do this is to create your very own Connection Tree.

A Connection Tree recognises that often our most meaningful moments are when we connect to others - the people we love, and ourselves.

Creating a Connection Tree

1. Write down a list of the most important people or areas of your life you would like to regularly connect with.  The categories can change.  Just come up with a list that feels right for you right now.  My list at the moment looks something like this:

Connect with my husband

Connect with my daughter

Connect with my son

Connect with others

Connect with my career

Connect with my health

Connect with me

2. At the end of the day when lying in bed, go through your list and think of moments where you connected with all the important areas of my life.  You can either write them down or just think about them.  For example, the other day, my Connection Tree looked like this:

Connect with my husband
We are finally going to landscape our background and we chatted about the kind of garden we wanted and the things we will be able to do in our backyard when it’s complete.

Connect with my daughter
My daughter was tired and wanted to have some quiet time so we lay on her bed and read a book together.

Connect with my son
My son had made a cafe in the kitchen.  Instead of telling him to tidy it all up, I sat down at one of his tables while he served me a coffee concoction.

Connect with others
I rang my mum to see how she is going and we arranged to meet up on Tuesday.

Connect with my career
I devised a better system for managing my emails and to do list.

Connect with my health
I went for a run this morning.

Connect with me
Once the kids were in bed, I sat down with a cup of tea and read for half an hour.

3. You can also use the time to think about the next day and how you plan to connect with the important areas of your life.

It is a simple exercise.  But it can bring wonderful rewards for several reasons:

1. You are acknowledging meaningful moments.

2. You are thinking about how you can create more meaningful moments.

3.  And you are being the person you want to be.

This exercise keeps me honest.  Am I getting carried away by my career?  Am I sharing special moments with my family?  Am I doing something for myself every day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Connection Tree.  Will it work for you?

by Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing