Okay, there’s long been talk that women, in particular, can’t ‘have it all’. 

The argument goes that we were duped by feminism when we were told we could be amazing mothers, career zealots and domestic goddesses, whilst still getting enough beauty sleep.

The modern day mantra now goes that we can’t ‘have it all’.  There are only so many hours in the day, and fuel in the tank so something has to give.

I don’t entirely disagree with ‘there are only so many hours in the day’ argument. But I want to challenge semantics.

I do believe you can ‘have it all’.  I just don’t think you can ‘do it all.’

People say to me, How do you find time to run a business, raise two kids, and write books?

It is simple.  There are many other things I don’t do including:

I don’t keep a pristinely clean and tidy house
One of the major domestic duties that goes astray in our house is putting away clean clothes.  The clothes go from the dirty clothes basket into the washing machine, onto the line, and then into the spare room where they get dumped into piles.  Looking for something to wear?  It’s probably in the spare room.

But my domestic life is relatively ordered.  There are decent meals, set bed times, and lots of love.

I don’t have as many hours as I would sometimes like to work on my business
My husband and I are both business owners with a fair degree of flexibility.  And we negotiate pick ups and drop offs depending on who is interstate, who has meetings and who has important functions.  I often fit my work around my kids - and work nights and weekends to make up time.  But sometimes I wish I could work more.

Instead, I’ve had to learn to work a bit smarter.  I’ve learnt to be more efficient, better focused, and to celebrate my achievements.

I don’t get time to read for pleasure
One of my greatest indulgences has been to curl up and get completely engrossed in a good book. Unfortunately, with lots to do and interrupting kids, I rarely get the opportunity to indulge.

But on holidays, I always head off to the bookshop and the library, get a stack of books and work my way through as many as possible.

As a working mum, I don’t believe I can do it all.

But I do believe I can have it all - because, to me, having it all means living a good life.

This is what I have:

I have a wonderful family
My kids amaze me every day.  Watching them grow into little people is an incredible privilege. And I also have a wonderful husband.  He is a true partner.

I have a wonderful job
I absolutely love my work.  Writing books, developing and delivering workshops, and helping people enjoy work and life is my passion.

I have a wonderful life
My life is rich and fulfilling, and although it is difficult and demanding at times, I still feel incredibly blessed.

I can’t do everything I would like to do.  But I can have a good life.  And to me, that is much more important.

There is a raging debate going on over at the MamaMia blog - Mia Freedman’s creative endeavour.  (Mia is ex Cosmo Editor and author of the book MamaMia: A memoir of mistakes, magazines and motherhood)

Alexandra Shulman, editor of Vogue UK, wrote a piece in the UK Daily Mail about whether mums who demand part-time work, flexible working hours, job share etc etc- are just being too demanding.

Amongst her many comments are:

“Nowadays, the majority of pregnant women I know take close to a year off, during which they are entitled to statutory maternity pay for up to 39 weeks. They return with the expectation and right to have their old job back after 52 weeks. Except that, when they do return, many of them don’t want exactly their old job back. They want the same role but moulded into a time frame that suits family life better. They want to investigate four-day weeks, flexitime, jobshares, and they often then have another baby and are entitled to take another year off. But is this realistic?”

“I have never worked a shorter week, partially because I want the full salary to pay for the private education of my son, the help and the house we live in. But it is also because I don’t, at root, think it would be the correct way to do this job.”

“Women have increasingly broken through that old glass ceiling with determination and, to be honest, helpful employment legislation. As a result, many are now employers themselves. Let’s not put that progress back by creating a world where the next generation of women workers becomes too inconvenient and awkward to employ and find themselves legislated back into the home.”

What’s particularly interesting is that this article has fuelled a vibrant debate over on the MamaMia site about Stay at Home Mums versus so-called Working Mums (even though we are all working).

But to my mind, that’s not really the issue.

Firstly, re. mums

Happy mum, happy kids is not just a nice saying. It is backed up by hard evidence. The research clearly shows that whether a mum works or not does not significantly impact on kids’ outcomes. What matters most is whether you LOVE your child. That’s what’s important.

So let’s end this debate about whether mums should or shouldn’t be home with their children. The answer is: It depends! We must allow people to make choices that are best for themselves and their children - without finger pointing, ridicule or disdain.

What is more relevant to Shulman’s article is workplace culture and management practice.

What Shulman’s article really highlights is that yes, it can be difficult to manage people who don’t work full time. The world of work and management practice has been built on judging people’s work ethic based on their time spent at work. Much more difficult is managing people’s work ethic based on the quality and quantity of the work they produce.

Shulman has identified the problem - but she’s come to the wrong conclusion. Just because it is difficult, and it takes a mindshift does not mean women should not work at all, or that they should only work on traditional terms. The best workplaces are changing so they can attract the best. And in many instances the best are women with kids. Employees do need to have realistic expecations.  But organisations need to change, and managers need to get better at managing.

According to a new study by The Australia Institute, Australians, particularly white collar professionals, are donating a hell of a lot of free time to their employers in the form of unpaid overtime.

Here’s what they say:

Each year, Australians work more than 2 billion hours of unpaid overtime.

Around half of all employees work more hours than they are paid for.

On average, a typical employee works 49 minutes of unpaid overtime per day.

For full-time workers, the average daily amount of unpaid work is 70 minutes, which equates to 33 eight-hour days per year, or six and a half standard working weeks.

Put another way, this is the equivalent of ‘donating’ more than your annual leave entitlement back to your employer.

Overwork can have negative consequences for your physical and mental health, your relationships with loved ones and your sense of what is important in life.

Yes indeed.

So the Australia Insitute has launched a Go Home On Time Day - next Wednesday the 25th of November.

Visit the website Go Home on Time Day and send yourself or a friends and family, a leave pass.

Then next Wednesday - Go home on time!

Question is, what are you going to do with yourself???

Why do we now live in a culture where people feel unable to take a day, a week, or god forbid, a few weeks off work?

What is so hard about not turning up for work, and instead tuning into some R&R?

We Australians are supposedly so bad at taking holidays that we’ve accumulated a staggering123 million days of annual leave which is equal to $33 billion in wages.

Tourism Australia are so concerned they launched the ‘No Leave, No Life’ campaign with the tag line ‘Win the Work/Life Battle’.

The campaign includes a dedicated website www.noleavenolife.com with holiday ideas for employees, and a toolkit for employers.

The message for employees is that taking leave can deliver incredible benefits such as “feeling refreshed, the chance to reconnect with family and friends, and being better placed to cope with the pressures of day-to-day life.”

And the message for employers is find ways to “cover for people on leave and manage the increased workload before and after leave.”

Now, the Harvard Business Review has reported an experiment by Perlow & Porter conducted with Boston Consulting Group in the US which forced consultants to take time off. The goal was to break the ‘we have to work 24/7 mentality’.

The results?

Higher job satisfaction

Greater likelihood that they could imagine a long-term career at the firm

Higher satisfaction with work/life balance

More open communication

Increased learning and development

A better product delivered to the client

I hope you’re all booking your Xmas holidays.

If you’re in Adelaide on Wednesday 9th of September, join us for breakfast.

The National Institute of Accountants is hosting Jodie Benveniste for a Work Family Wellbeing breakfast.

The 1 hour interactive presentation introduces Work Family Wellbeing, and will inspire you to forget your daily hassles and instead live your best life. The presentation covers:

Work family self-assessment
How well are you currently combining work and family?
You’ll assess your current situation across Work, Family, Partner and ‘Me’.

Work Family Wellbeing
How is Work Family Wellbeing different to work family balance?
You’ll unpack the concept of ‘work family balance’, and instead replace it with the much more effective and much more achievable, Work Family Wellbeing.

Wellbeing
What makes people happy, and what doesn’t?
You’ll learn that changing your circumstances has some impact on wellbeing. But changing the way you think and behave is the single, best way to increase your wellbeing and enjoy a better work and family life.

Wellbeing practices
What can you do to increase your wellbeing?
You’ll learn simple, step-by-step, proven ways to increase wellbeing backed up by sound science.

By the end of the breakfast, you will have:

Gained insight into how well you are currently combining work and family

Been introduced to new ways of thinking about your work family situation

Been introduced to to simple, step by step, proven ways to increase wellbeing backed up by sound science

Work Family Wellbeing breakfast
Wednesday, 9th of September
7.45am - 9.30am
Ayers House, 288 North Tce, Adelaide

For more information, and to book a ticket, contact NIA on (08) 8227 2255 or email sadivn@nia.org.au

Yesterday, I ran our Work Family Wellbeing workshop at a construction company.  We spent the day focusing on wellbeing rather than balance, and taught people tools to increase their wellbeing and make the most of their work and family lives.

During one of the breaks, one of the participants asked me which of the wellbeing tools I use regularly.  It was an interesting question.

I do use a number of the wellbeing tools but not all the time.

When you live a busy life, it can be easy to get bogged down in daily hassles, and forget about caring for yourself.

But lately, I’ve been reminding myself of their importance and value.

And in fact, yesterday’s workshop was a great reminder to me of the need to always be checking in with myself - and listening to the true responses!

To be asking myself:

How well do I feel physically?
Do I need more sleep?
Do I need to forgo the muffin?
Do I need to exercise more?

How well do I feel emotionally?
Do I need to tell someone how I really feel?
Do I need time to myself?
Do I need to indulge myself in a little luxury?

How well do I feel domestically?
Is everyone pulling their weight?
Do I need to cut out some trivial tasks and save myself some time?
Do I need to lower my expectations?

I came away from yesterday’s workshop realising that wellbeing is a lifelong pursuit.  It takes commitment and dedication.  But it can be done.

On the way home in the cab I had a lovely chat with the cabbie about his kids.  When I got home, I gave my kids a big hug and told them I loved them.  And even when my daughter had a meltdown about wanting noodles and not pasta for dinner, I stayed calm and reasonable and loving.

And I went to bed happier.

By Jodie Benveniste, director of Parent Wellbeing.

I am flabbergasted. 

On Thursday, Green’s Senator Sarah Hanson-Young’s toddler, Kora, was ejected from the Australian federal Parliament.

Sarah was humiliated and Kora was distressed.

For me it was a signal of how far we haven’t come.  And how far we still need to go.

Are workplaces so inflexible?  YES, they obviously are.

But that’s only part of the story.  What came next, when public opinion kicked in, was appalling.

Sarah was accused of staging a political stunt, of not doing her job properly and of being a bad mother.

Are people so unsupportive of working parents, particularly working mothers?  YES, they obviously are!

And we wonder why working parents struggle.

Not only do working parents beat themselves up about whether they are doing the right thing by their children, themselves and their workplace, they are then lambasted by segments of society that tell them:

“It’s your choice to have kids so don’t complain.”

“But you better raise decent kids or we’ll blame you.”

…and now…

“Don’t let parenting interfere with your work or else.”

Working parents are not a bunch of whingers asking for sympathy and handouts.

They are simply trying to work and raise kids in workplaces and, clearly, a society that won’t accept change.

Parenting is a social good.  And so is working.

It’s no longer about either/or.  It’s about both.

The sooner we accept this and get on with making our workplaces, communities and society more work-family friendly, the better.

Are you a working parent? Then, tell us about your work family wellbeing in a quick online survey.

I am working with Sophie Mumford, a Masters student in Psychology at The University of Adelaide, who is conducting research on how to improve working parents’ wellbeing.

And we would love you to participate to this unique and exciting project.

All you need to do is complete a quick 10 minute online survey by clicking the link below:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

The survey will ask you about your workplace environment, and your satisfaction with life and work.

The survey will also ask general demographic questions such as your age range, gender and the number of hours you work.

Your participation will remain completely confidential.

And as a personal thank you for participating, you have the chance to win from a pool of exciting prizes, including chocolate, books and beauty products.

And please forward onto friends and colleagues - both women and men - so we can hear from as many working parents as possible.

The collected data will be used to complete Sophie’s Masters thesis under the supervision of Professor Helen Winefield at the University of Adelaide.

All you need to do to participate is complete a quick 10 minute online survey by clicking the link below:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

If you would like to receive a summary of the research findings, please send your contact details (email or postal) to sophie.mumford@student.adelaide.edu.au.

This study has been given approval by the Adelaide University Ethics Committee. If you have any queries about the ethical approval, please contact the convener of the Subcommittee for Human Research in the School of Psychology, Dr. Paul Delfabbro on 08 8303 5744.

Any other questions can be directed to myself at Parent Wellbeing, info@parentwellbeing.com.au or Professor Helen Winefield at the University of Adelaide, helen.winefield@adelaide.edu.au

To complete the quick 10 minute online survey please click on the link below.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=dJQaZn_2f0WvHtvyLwsfqFLQ_3d_3d

Thank you! We look forward to hearing your views!

Combining work and family takes military grade logistics, Mother Theresa patience, and marathon runner stamina - and that’s just for getting out the front door!

Now, I like those time management tips for busy parents that say - prepare everything the night before, lay out your clothes, make the lunches, pack the bags etc, etc.

But at the end of a long day, the last thing I want to do is think of tomorrow’s lunches and scrounge around for the library books and bag.

Sometimes, I manage it - but other times I don’t.

And even when I do, kids have a way a making something that should take a minute, take an hour.

So even the best advance preparation doesn’t always help.

Here are my tips for getting out of the house on time with your sanity - as well as the children - in tact:

1. Be realistic
You may be able to grab your bag and get out of the house within a few seconds, but your toddler will need to find his ruggie, stop to pat the cat, complain that you opened the door instead of him, and jump in the puddles instead of get in the car.

2. Promote responsibility
Your school age child may still want the star treatment, ‘Fetch my school bag, lunch box and communication book, mum. And no blue smarties!’ But teaching her a simple morning routine - get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, and pack bag - helps you and her.

3. Stay calm
When your daughter is still playing with her ponies rather than putting on her shoes, and your son has upended a bottle of milk on the kitchen floor, it takes Mother Theresa patience not to scream and yell. Instead, breathe and think ‘I’m an absolute saint for calmly cleaning up the milk and calmly requesting my daughter to put on her shoes.’

4. Appreciate the good
In every situation, no matter how busy, stressful or frustrating, there are always pockets of good. So instead of getting irritated at your toddler for pulling off his jumper for the third time, admire, just for a moment, his tenacity.

5. Think energy not time
We all have too much to do and too little time. And there will never be enough time. But if you focus on getting out the door without feeling like you’ve been hit by a train, then that is probably more important than whether you are running 5 minutes late.

I’d love to hear your tips.

And for more info about getting out of the house on time, check out Wondertime magazine.  The Australian launch issue is available in all good newsagents now.  It truly is a wonderful read.

Jodie Benveniste, Director of Parent Wellbeing.

Dear Mem,

Your recent foray into the childcare debate has been both controversial and revealing.

You first claimed that very young babies in full time child care is tantamount to child abuse. You then claimed that you had not intended to offend anyone but were simply speaking up for the babies who cannot speak for themselves.

In response to your critics, you said that feeling threatened, enraged and in denial is ‘normal’ when faced with an uncomfortable truth. And you accused your critics of ‘shooting the messenger’.

But Mem, there would be no need to ‘shoot the messenger’ if the messenger had not ‘shot from the hip’.

To suggest that today’s working parents place ‘their needs and their situations’ above their babies is inflammatory and misguided.

I don’t know any parent who does not want the absolute best for their children. The so called ‘choices people have to make’ are not made lightly, selfishly, nor independently of peer or public opinion.

From my experience, it is not the baby’s needs that are the elephant in the room, it’s the parents’ needs.

Modern day parents are riddled with guilt and anxiety, and are struggling to give their children the best opportunities, pay the mortgage, and fulfill their personal aspirations.

From the first positive pregnancy test, parents are bombarded with information, guidance and advice about what is ‘best for baby’.

‘Eat iron rich foods; don’t eat soft cheeses. Don’t let your baby cry; let your baby cry. Don’t put your child in child care; put your child in child care.’

Confident and committed parents raise confident and contented kids. But the advice, even when well intentioned, often serves to undermine parents’ confidence and affects their better judgment.

Your ‘child care is child abuse’ comments, even if paraphrasing a child care professional, serve as more grist to the parent guilt mill.

We need an honest, open and productive debate about the work family intersection but Mem, your comments, were unhelpful.

Instead, let’s discuss:

1. How the vast majority of parents prefer to care for their young babies at home, as according to 2005 ABS statistics, only 7% of children in formal childcare (long day care, family day care, with a registered nanny) are under twelve months old, and 47% of children under 12 months attend childcare for 10 hours or less a week.

2. How, Australia, along with the United States, is one of the few modernized, Western democracies without a paid maternity leave system, which would help families defer their return to work.

3. How un-family friendly workplace cultures and structures penalize women and men who take time out of the workforce or want to work part-time when their children are young by limiting their career aspirations and reducing their income potential.

4. And how, definitive research conducted by work family pioneer Ellen Galinsky from the Families and Work Institute in the US showed that what affects attachment between mother and child is not mothers’ working or children in child care but whether the mother is warm and responsive. According to Galinsky, ‘When mothers are doing what they think is right for themselves and their families, children prosper.’
Debates around child care, working parents, and working mothers in particular, are emotionally wrought and highly charged.

The decisions families make are complex and complicated, and are not without emotional anguish.

Parents go ‘out on a limb’ everyday to manage the challenges and stresses of caring for their family the best way they know how.

If anything gives, it is the parent’s wellbeing.

By supporting rather than harassing parents, and focusing on effective public policy, we can help parents love and care for their children.

So Mem, my message to you, is next time you decide to weigh in on the child care debate do so with compassion for all involved - babies and parents included.

Jodie Benveniste

Director and Founder of Parent Wellbeing