A very important study was published in the latest issue of the Journal of Family Issues.

Constance Gager and Scott Yabiku, concerned about the state of American marriages posed the question: Are working parents, given the time pressures of modern life, getting enough sex?

How often you have sex is supposedly a barometer of the quality of your marriage.

Researchers don’t know how much sex is enough but people who have more sex (than those who have less sex) report feeling happier about their marriages.

And for the record, in this study, couples had sex an average of 1.6 times per week(!)

Now Gager and Yabiku weren’t just interested in sexual frequency.

They also wanted to know how sexual frequency linked to the highly vexed question of housework because who puts the bin out (otherwise known as division of housework) and how often you get it on (otherwise known as sexual frequency) are the most common sources of disagreements in marriage.

This is what we know about housework

1. Men are doing more housework than ever before. But that was off a very low base. Cooking a BBQ doesn’t count.

2. Women are doing less housework than they used to. But that’s because the majority are out doing paid work.

3. Women still do twice as much housework as men. Yes twice as much. And as a consequence have less leisure time. Don’t we know it.

Now for the results

(As an aside, the study only looked at how much sex you have - not how long it lasted or how good it was. Obviously, not so important).

Here are three results we could have predicted:

1. The older you get the less sex you have.

2. The longer your relationship the less sex you have.

3. The younger your children the less sex you have.

But now for the fascinating findings:

1. The more housework you do the more sex!

2. The more time in the paid workforce the more sex!

So what can we conclude from this revolutionary study?

For men

Grab that apron and do 1, hell, why not all, of the following household tasks covered in the study: (a) prepare a meal, (b) wash the dishes, (c) clean the house, (d) shop, (e) wash and iron, (f) pay the bills, (g) drive other household members to work, school, or other activities, (h) perform outdoor tasks, and (i) do auto maintenance. Then you just might get lucky tonight!

For women

Get out into the paid workforce now! It might just save your marriage or at least make life a bit more fun.

Naming your baby is one of the great privileges of being a parent.  But it is also a huge responsibility.

Baby name trends come and go but your baby has to live with their name across a lifetime.

Your name defines you.

So how do you choose?

Some parents honour family history, some parents look to celebrities or baby name lists, and others just go with their gut.

To help you choose your baby’s name, here are the top Australian baby names for 2009.

Top baby names - Girls

Amelia
Ava
Charlotte
Chloe
Ella
Emily
Isabella
Lily
Mia
Olivia
Ruby
Sienna
Sophie

Top boy names - Boys

Benjamin
Cooper
Ethan
Jack
James
Joshua
Lachlan
Lucas
Noah
Oliver
Riley
Thomas
William

The beginning of a new year is a natural time to reflect on the year that has passed and to plan for the new year ahead.

As parents, our plans, hopes and aspirations don’t just affect us - they also affect our children.

So now is a good time to think about how good a life you and your family lived in 2009, and to consider what you would you like to change about 2010.

Margarita Tarragona from the Universidad Iberoamericana in Mexico City recently posted on Psychology Today’s Spanish language blog about a new year ritual she performs with friends and family. And here is the English language translation.

You may choose to perform this new year ritual alone or with others. And you may also like to involve your children.  Your children may like to perform their own new year ritual.

New year ritual for parents

Write your answers to the following questions, and then put them away in an envelope.  At the end of 2010, open your envelope and reflect on your responses.  What goals did you achieve?  Which ones are no longer relevant?  What surprises did the new year bring?

1. What was one of the moments you enjoyed the most in 2009 ?

2. What are you most grateful for in 2009?

3. What was one of your most important accomplishments this year?

4. What is something new you learned in 2009?

5. What are you glad to leave behind with the year that ends?

6. What is one of your most important projects for 2010?

7. What would you like to do for others in 2010?

Since the year 2000, over 300 Australian children under 5 have drowned…

With the aim of preventing these deaths, Laurie Lawrence, in conjunction with the Australian Government and water safety experts Australia wide, has put together:

Living with Water - a comprehensive water safety DVD for parents and caregivers of children under 5.

The free DVD covers all aspects of water safety and is broken down into developmental stages to outline specific water hazards as your child grows.

The goal this holiday season is to raise the awareness of drowning danger by having every Australian parent and caregiver of children under 5 view the Living with Water DVD by Australia Day 2010. The target is zero preventable drowning deaths!

The DVD can be downloaded, streamed to your computer, or ordered as a DVD (FREE of charge).

For more information please visit the Living with Water website.

2009.  It’s been a big year.  Challenging.  A bit frustrating.  And a year where I lost (my dad) and gained (some perspective).

As we approach year’s end, I thought I’d reflect on what I’ve learnt this year.

Here’s just a few of my lessons’ learnt.

In 2009, I learnt that:

Expectations sometimes need to be lowered

Lowered expectations can lead to a greater appreciation of what is

Time is my friend.  I don’t need to rush through life.  I can slow down and live a richer life.

Most people who ’succeed’ work bloody hard and don’t give up

I need both running and yoga in my life.

Holidays are good.

I have achieved more than I thought I had.

I am resilient.

What did you learn in 2009?

Courtesy of Dave Woolbank of www.dadsclub.com.au

You’ll be king of the kids this summer school holidays when you stick to these creative, inspiring, low cost and often FREE activities that all add up to hassle free and BIG FUN.

Use any of these and Dad will again be seen as the expert their kids expect them to be.

1. Liven up your local park with mini-games / triathlons / kids Olympics

This is perfect with a group of kids and other parents. You can allocate teams or go solo; often it is good to mix this up.

Remember this is about having a go, introduce PBs (personal best / timed results) in favour of out right winners. Choose any of these and add some more: run, bike, swim, jump (long and high), throw a ball and / or climb a tree.

Create obstacle courses that include some of the above. Add in swings, slippery dips, chairs and some good distances.

Take some drinks and a bag of fruit.

Introduce a trophy - this is something you can make with the kids before or after and can be as simple as a cup, ornament etc..glued to a piece of wood.

A good follow-up is to take some photos and send them to the team afterwards.

Get the kids input on what they reckon they can do to make it more challenging and interesting.

Throw in a rope and finish it off with a tug-of-war. Perfect when it’s adults versus kids. Hopefully we’ll get some rain this summer and you’ll have a puddle or two to compete over!

2. Treasure Hunt

This will take at least 15 minutes to plan and will require you visiting the local park before hand.

You’ll need pen and paper to make a list of questions that the kids will need to scout around for to find the answers.  Find unusual, interesting and even educational hiding spots.

Remember your aim is to keep them busy (not you), so have them cover large distances and keep it challenging.

By adding in more diverse questions you can make this activity as long as you want. You could punctuate it with them finding their lunch.

Divide the kids into teams and handout a questionnaire to each team (you could do this individually). Your small questionnaire could look something like this:

How many rungs are on the ladder to the slippery dip?
How long is the monkey bar?
How many chain links are in the southern most swing?
What type of oval is the one near…?
Bring back a leaf. What is the name of the tree it came from?
Climb the tree nearest the _______ what did you find in it (have a small bucket of lollies as a mid-way treat)?
Find a sign and get the kids to write down names, phone nembers etc.. signs can be on posts, bridges seats, trucks, equipment etc…
When you look due north (south, east, west) what can you see?
What’s the full name of this park, oval?
Who opened this park?
Name three native flora within the park?
Name the species of birds…?
What local Aboriginal land are we now on?
Be resourceful and creative. Make a raft / house / aeroplane out of natural objects (twigs, leaves etc..) you could add cans, paper etc..?
Draw an aerial map of this oval and name a,b,c and d?

3. In the kitchen

Find a recipe and treat Mum and the family to a three course meal.

Go for an international cuisine e.g. Chinese, Thai, Italian etc..and theme it with fortune cookies and lantern; tropical looking flowers; red and white table cloth etc…

Stimulate this activity further by adding trivia questions during the meal.

For example:

The local currency in ___________ is _________?
Their national cuisine is?
The President / PM is?
The population is?
Who founded this country?
Any historical facts: e.g. the Chinese invented paper?
Major tourist destinations?
Name the national airline carrier?
Essential ingredients in this national dish are…?

4. Head to the markets

Turn a weekly shopping chore into an adventure and take the kids to the food markets instead of the supermarkets. Spice it up with some haggling, be adventurous and buy something completely different.

5. Paper Plane competition

Visit our animated paper plane guide and choose from ten different paper planes to make.  Then put your skills to the test and have a fly -off.  Whose plane goes the highest, whose gets the most distance?

6. Round up the local Canines and have a derby

Organise a local dog derby in the park.  Map out a dog track and have a race.  Check out your local dog track, you may be surprised what they’ll let you do.  Failing any successes here, take your pooch for a walk.

7. Start a holiday sports competition

Round up your mates and their parents, pad up and start a local test match in your ‘hood (see rules)

8. Plan a project and build it

Research a DIY project and plan, build and celebrate it these holidays.

Build a billy cart, fish pond, tree house, raft, herb garden, shed, doll house, worm farm or swing set. For more DIY ideas and tips.

9. Discover a new suburb

Take advantage of our multi-cultural communities, jump on some public transport and discover new food and cultures.

10. Get back to basics with board games

Lets face it we’re going to get a few scorchers and hopefully some rain these holidays, so keep these handy.
Play a favourite or learn a new game. These are bound to take you back and are another great way of teaching your kids new things.  Try Chess, Backgammon, Cards, Chinese Checkers, Monopoly, Twister, Kludo, or Mouse Trap.

11. Digital Photography

Grab a camera and explore your neighbourhood. Get creative with close up shots and props. Let the kids’ imagination go wild, pick out the best shots and blow them up. Then you can frame or mount on a canvas. Makes a great gift!

12. Discover a new bike ride

Explore your community by bike. Saddle up straight from home or drive / commute to a new destination and discover.

13. Paint a masterpiece

Buy some low cost canvases from Go-Lo and let the kids be creative. All going well you’ll have a masterpiece to hang. Makes a great gift.

14. Try a new sport

Watch or try out something new.  Find a kids sports club or sport stores here.

15. Plant a herb garden

We’re all going green and summer is a great time to get creative in the garden. You can use pots or dig up your garden. Potted herbs make a great gift.

16. Dinner in the park

Get the kids to design a menu and treat Mum to a picnic dinner in the park.  You may be inspired by what you’ve learn from some of the other activities in this list

Discover a new suburb.
Discover a new bike ride.
Head to the markets.

17. Camp in the backyard

Turn a sleep over into something more fun. Set up tent, blow up the mattress (or drag your kids’ mattress outside) and spoil the kids with marshmallows (toasted if you can).  Tips on camping

18. Home made lemonade

Make an easy cooling, refreshing drink with lemon or limes. Home made lemonade is perfect for those long hot summer days and evenings.  Once you’ve mastered the flavour, set up a stall.

Ingredients

Juice of 4 lemons
1Litre (4 cups) water
125g (1/2 cup) caster sugar

In a 2 litre jug, combine the lemon juice, water and sugar. Stir until sugar is dissolved. Chill in fridge.

19. Go bowling

Bare foot bowls is great for those warm evenings. Contact your local bowling club.  Air conditioned ten pin bowling makes a great escape on those hot days.

20. Find a destination and get out

Many of these can be free, or certainly low cost. So what are you waiting for, pack a picnic and go visit:

Some friends or family
School holiday activities: search by event type and state
Cultural event
Museum / Art Gallery / Photographic Exhibition
Free city events
Building sites make great viewing entertainment for infants
Factory or organisational tours are often FREE e.g. Parliament House, Stock Exchange & National Parks
Display gardens

Enjoy!

Courtesy of Dave Woolbank of www.dadsclub.com.au

Okay, there’s long been talk that women, in particular, can’t ‘have it all’. 

The argument goes that we were duped by feminism when we were told we could be amazing mothers, career zealots and domestic goddesses, whilst still getting enough beauty sleep.

The modern day mantra now goes that we can’t ‘have it all’.  There are only so many hours in the day, and fuel in the tank so something has to give.

I don’t entirely disagree with ‘there are only so many hours in the day’ argument. But I want to challenge semantics.

I do believe you can ‘have it all’.  I just don’t think you can ‘do it all.’

People say to me, How do you find time to run a business, raise two kids, and write books?

It is simple.  There are many other things I don’t do including:

I don’t keep a pristinely clean and tidy house
One of the major domestic duties that goes astray in our house is putting away clean clothes.  The clothes go from the dirty clothes basket into the washing machine, onto the line, and then into the spare room where they get dumped into piles.  Looking for something to wear?  It’s probably in the spare room.

But my domestic life is relatively ordered.  There are decent meals, set bed times, and lots of love.

I don’t have as many hours as I would sometimes like to work on my business
My husband and I are both business owners with a fair degree of flexibility.  And we negotiate pick ups and drop offs depending on who is interstate, who has meetings and who has important functions.  I often fit my work around my kids - and work nights and weekends to make up time.  But sometimes I wish I could work more.

Instead, I’ve had to learn to work a bit smarter.  I’ve learnt to be more efficient, better focused, and to celebrate my achievements.

I don’t get time to read for pleasure
One of my greatest indulgences has been to curl up and get completely engrossed in a good book. Unfortunately, with lots to do and interrupting kids, I rarely get the opportunity to indulge.

But on holidays, I always head off to the bookshop and the library, get a stack of books and work my way through as many as possible.

As a working mum, I don’t believe I can do it all.

But I do believe I can have it all - because, to me, having it all means living a good life.

This is what I have:

I have a wonderful family
My kids amaze me every day.  Watching them grow into little people is an incredible privilege. And I also have a wonderful husband.  He is a true partner.

I have a wonderful job
I absolutely love my work.  Writing books, developing and delivering workshops, and helping people enjoy work and life is my passion.

I have a wonderful life
My life is rich and fulfilling, and although it is difficult and demanding at times, I still feel incredibly blessed.

I can’t do everything I would like to do.  But I can have a good life.  And to me, that is much more important.

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you — and vice versa.” This sounds simple, but it actually was a huge breakthrough for me. So many things that other people consider “fun” are not fun for me, and it took me an astonishingly long time to realize that. Drinking alcohol, shopping, most games…I just don’t enjoy those activities.

Even now, I have to remind myself that people go skiing because they honestly want to go skiing, not because they are made from a sterner moral fiber than I.

I’ve realized, too, that it’s important to think about this in the context of my family. If I want to have fun with my family, I need to make sure that we’re doing activities that — at least some of the time — are honestly fun for me. Otherwise, I just get bored and try to end things - or even sneak away. Was it Jerry Seinfeld who said, “There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family?” Well, I’m trying.

For example, my four-year-old is constantly begging us to read to her. I was getting so bored with Frog and Toad and the like that I was making excuses.

Then it occurred to me - why not read something I like, too? I don’t have much appreciation for Little Bear anymore, not after the tenth reading, but I love children’s literature. Surely there’s something we can both enjoy.

She’s not ready for The Golden Compass, of course, and she’s not even ready for Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, but first we read the All-of-a-Kind Family books, and now we’re working our way through Mary Poppins. I love those books, and it has made a huge difference in my willingness to read to my daughter. It’s fun for me to read those books, too!

Obviously, as a parent, I can’t follow this rule all the time. My children enjoy things that aren’t much fun for me, so I get my fun vicariously, by watching their fun. But I’ve decided to try to steer our activities more to things that we all find fun, because then I’m so much more enthusiastic.

(Of course, it’s possible to run, then, into the opposite problem: something is so fun for me that being with my children ruins the fun. If I really want to see an exhibit, say, I can’t go with my two children. I just won’t be able to concentrate. But I could go myself, and then return with them.)

One of the great mysteries of happiness is - why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why is it so hard to know my own likes and dislikes? It seems that nothing should be more obvious than the question of what I find fun, yet I have to think hard about this, all the time.

This principle doesn’t only apply to children; fun with your sweetheart, fun with your family, fun with your friends, fun with your co-workers. Have you found any good ways to have fun with others that’s also fun for you?

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

There is a raging debate going on over at the MamaMia blog - Mia Freedman’s creative endeavour.  (Mia is ex Cosmo Editor and author of the book MamaMia: A memoir of mistakes, magazines and motherhood)

Alexandra Shulman, editor of Vogue UK, wrote a piece in the UK Daily Mail about whether mums who demand part-time work, flexible working hours, job share etc etc- are just being too demanding.

Amongst her many comments are:

“Nowadays, the majority of pregnant women I know take close to a year off, during which they are entitled to statutory maternity pay for up to 39 weeks. They return with the expectation and right to have their old job back after 52 weeks. Except that, when they do return, many of them don’t want exactly their old job back. They want the same role but moulded into a time frame that suits family life better. They want to investigate four-day weeks, flexitime, jobshares, and they often then have another baby and are entitled to take another year off. But is this realistic?”

“I have never worked a shorter week, partially because I want the full salary to pay for the private education of my son, the help and the house we live in. But it is also because I don’t, at root, think it would be the correct way to do this job.”

“Women have increasingly broken through that old glass ceiling with determination and, to be honest, helpful employment legislation. As a result, many are now employers themselves. Let’s not put that progress back by creating a world where the next generation of women workers becomes too inconvenient and awkward to employ and find themselves legislated back into the home.”

What’s particularly interesting is that this article has fuelled a vibrant debate over on the MamaMia site about Stay at Home Mums versus so-called Working Mums (even though we are all working).

But to my mind, that’s not really the issue.

Firstly, re. mums

Happy mum, happy kids is not just a nice saying. It is backed up by hard evidence. The research clearly shows that whether a mum works or not does not significantly impact on kids’ outcomes. What matters most is whether you LOVE your child. That’s what’s important.

So let’s end this debate about whether mums should or shouldn’t be home with their children. The answer is: It depends! We must allow people to make choices that are best for themselves and their children - without finger pointing, ridicule or disdain.

What is more relevant to Shulman’s article is workplace culture and management practice.

What Shulman’s article really highlights is that yes, it can be difficult to manage people who don’t work full time. The world of work and management practice has been built on judging people’s work ethic based on their time spent at work. Much more difficult is managing people’s work ethic based on the quality and quantity of the work they produce.

Shulman has identified the problem - but she’s come to the wrong conclusion. Just because it is difficult, and it takes a mindshift does not mean women should not work at all, or that they should only work on traditional terms. The best workplaces are changing so they can attract the best. And in many instances the best are women with kids. Employees do need to have realistic expecations.  But organisations need to change, and managers need to get better at managing.

This poem by Diane Loomans is on the wall at my son’s kindergarten.

And it struck me as articulating quite eloquently the paradoxes of parenting.

When we’re in the thick of it, we often don’t appreciate it enough.  And when we’re past it, we lament the parent we could have been.

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self esteem first, and the house later.
I’d fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

It would be nice to “stop playing serious, and seriously play.”

But perhaps more realistic for me is to gaze at more stars.