Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you — and vice versa.” This sounds simple, but it actually was a huge breakthrough for me. So many things that other people consider “fun” are not fun for me, and it took me an astonishingly long time to realize that. Drinking alcohol, shopping, most games…I just don’t enjoy those activities.

Even now, I have to remind myself that people go skiing because they honestly want to go skiing, not because they are made from a sterner moral fiber than I.

I’ve realized, too, that it’s important to think about this in the context of my family. If I want to have fun with my family, I need to make sure that we’re doing activities that — at least some of the time — are honestly fun for me. Otherwise, I just get bored and try to end things - or even sneak away. Was it Jerry Seinfeld who said, “There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family?” Well, I’m trying.

For example, my four-year-old is constantly begging us to read to her. I was getting so bored with Frog and Toad and the like that I was making excuses.

Then it occurred to me - why not read something I like, too? I don’t have much appreciation for Little Bear anymore, not after the tenth reading, but I love children’s literature. Surely there’s something we can both enjoy.

She’s not ready for The Golden Compass, of course, and she’s not even ready for Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH, but first we read the All-of-a-Kind Family books, and now we’re working our way through Mary Poppins. I love those books, and it has made a huge difference in my willingness to read to my daughter. It’s fun for me to read those books, too!

Obviously, as a parent, I can’t follow this rule all the time. My children enjoy things that aren’t much fun for me, so I get my fun vicariously, by watching their fun. But I’ve decided to try to steer our activities more to things that we all find fun, because then I’m so much more enthusiastic.

(Of course, it’s possible to run, then, into the opposite problem: something is so fun for me that being with my children ruins the fun. If I really want to see an exhibit, say, I can’t go with my two children. I just won’t be able to concentrate. But I could go myself, and then return with them.)

One of the great mysteries of happiness is - why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why is it so hard to know my own likes and dislikes? It seems that nothing should be more obvious than the question of what I find fun, yet I have to think hard about this, all the time.

This principle doesn’t only apply to children; fun with your sweetheart, fun with your family, fun with your friends, fun with your co-workers. Have you found any good ways to have fun with others that’s also fun for you?

Courtesty of Gretchen Rubin from The Happiness Project.

There is a raging debate going on over at the MamaMia blog - Mia Freedman’s creative endeavour.  (Mia is ex Cosmo Editor and author of the book MamaMia: A memoir of mistakes, magazines and motherhood)

Alexandra Shulman, editor of Vogue UK, wrote a piece in the UK Daily Mail about whether mums who demand part-time work, flexible working hours, job share etc etc- are just being too demanding.

Amongst her many comments are:

“Nowadays, the majority of pregnant women I know take close to a year off, during which they are entitled to statutory maternity pay for up to 39 weeks. They return with the expectation and right to have their old job back after 52 weeks. Except that, when they do return, many of them don’t want exactly their old job back. They want the same role but moulded into a time frame that suits family life better. They want to investigate four-day weeks, flexitime, jobshares, and they often then have another baby and are entitled to take another year off. But is this realistic?”

“I have never worked a shorter week, partially because I want the full salary to pay for the private education of my son, the help and the house we live in. But it is also because I don’t, at root, think it would be the correct way to do this job.”

“Women have increasingly broken through that old glass ceiling with determination and, to be honest, helpful employment legislation. As a result, many are now employers themselves. Let’s not put that progress back by creating a world where the next generation of women workers becomes too inconvenient and awkward to employ and find themselves legislated back into the home.”

What’s particularly interesting is that this article has fuelled a vibrant debate over on the MamaMia site about Stay at Home Mums versus so-called Working Mums (even though we are all working).

But to my mind, that’s not really the issue.

Firstly, re. mums

Happy mum, happy kids is not just a nice saying. It is backed up by hard evidence. The research clearly shows that whether a mum works or not does not significantly impact on kids’ outcomes. What matters most is whether you LOVE your child. That’s what’s important.

So let’s end this debate about whether mums should or shouldn’t be home with their children. The answer is: It depends! We must allow people to make choices that are best for themselves and their children - without finger pointing, ridicule or disdain.

What is more relevant to Shulman’s article is workplace culture and management practice.

What Shulman’s article really highlights is that yes, it can be difficult to manage people who don’t work full time. The world of work and management practice has been built on judging people’s work ethic based on their time spent at work. Much more difficult is managing people’s work ethic based on the quality and quantity of the work they produce.

Shulman has identified the problem - but she’s come to the wrong conclusion. Just because it is difficult, and it takes a mindshift does not mean women should not work at all, or that they should only work on traditional terms. The best workplaces are changing so they can attract the best. And in many instances the best are women with kids. Employees do need to have realistic expecations.  But organisations need to change, and managers need to get better at managing.

This poem by Diane Loomans is on the wall at my son’s kindergarten.

And it struck me as articulating quite eloquently the paradoxes of parenting.

When we’re in the thick of it, we often don’t appreciate it enough.  And when we’re past it, we lament the parent we could have been.

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self esteem first, and the house later.
I’d fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

It would be nice to “stop playing serious, and seriously play.”

But perhaps more realistic for me is to gaze at more stars.

Half Full - Science for Raising Happy Kids wrote recently about the vexed question of whether you should stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids.

As a society, we tend to believe that parents are better off if parents stay together.  That is certainly what previous generations did.

But research clearly shows that:

“It is the quality of parents’ relationships with each other, rather than whether they are married or single, that matters most for kids’ well-being.”

This highlights how a parent’s emotional wellbeing affects their kid’s wellbeing.

We all experience challenging emotions.  What’s important is how we deal with them - and how our children see that we deal with them.

Parents in conflict who have difficulty controlling their aggression or anger are most likely to be doing a disservice to their children.

Phil and Carolyn Cowan from UC Berkeley found that unresolved conflict and unhappiness in a parent’s relationship can lead to children with more aggressive behavior, more shy and withdrawn behavior, and worse social and academic skills.

Separating may therefore be the best option.

But continuing to show aggression and anger to your partner even once separated - won’t help your children either.

Parents who can find a way to respect their children’s other parent - even if they no longer love or respect the person - are doing the best by their kids.

Because whether you separate or not - unless you completely cut yourself off from your kids - you will need to communicate with your ex-partner.  And you want the relationship to be as civil and adult as possible.

I’m always saddened when people who have invested a lot of energy and emotion into a relationship separate without first trying to get some form of outside help.

Counselling may lead you back together - and in a happier place.

Or it may lead you apart - but with a resolve to work together for the good of the kids.

Either option seems better than living in an unhappy and acrimonious relationship.   Better both for you and your children.

According to a new study by The Australia Institute, Australians, particularly white collar professionals, are donating a hell of a lot of free time to their employers in the form of unpaid overtime.

Here’s what they say:

Each year, Australians work more than 2 billion hours of unpaid overtime.

Around half of all employees work more hours than they are paid for.

On average, a typical employee works 49 minutes of unpaid overtime per day.

For full-time workers, the average daily amount of unpaid work is 70 minutes, which equates to 33 eight-hour days per year, or six and a half standard working weeks.

Put another way, this is the equivalent of ‘donating’ more than your annual leave entitlement back to your employer.

Overwork can have negative consequences for your physical and mental health, your relationships with loved ones and your sense of what is important in life.

Yes indeed.

So the Australia Insitute has launched a Go Home On Time Day - next Wednesday the 25th of November.

Visit the website Go Home on Time Day and send yourself or a friends and family, a leave pass.

Then next Wednesday - Go home on time!

Question is, what are you going to do with yourself???

Courtesy of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

The main strategy for my happiness project is to make and keep resolutions. I’ve made dozens, maybe hundreds of resolutions, and I have Resolutions Chart where I score myself on the most important resolutions. I constantly remind myself, “It’s important to keep that resolution! It will make me happier!” and usually it does.

But I have at least one resolution that I just can’t seem to keep, and I’ve decided to resolve to do just the opposite, to “Give up that resolution.”

I’m giving up my long-standing, often-repeated resolution to “Entertain more.” Fact is, I’ve never really committed to that resolution: I never broke the goal down into steps that I could follow and pushed myself to keep them. Well, why not? Why was I able to keep resolutions like Stop gossiping and Read more and Don’t expect praise or appreciation, but not this one?

I want to entertain more, but clearly, I also do NOT want to entertain more. Finally I realized - I need to give up this resolution for a while.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. The Happiness Project book is finally about to hit the shelves, and that means a lot of work - not just writing work, which I’m used to, but other kinds of work. My children need a lot of attention. My husband has been traveling a fair amount. When I have some spare time, I want to just hang around the apartment and read; I don’t want another to-do list, even for something fun. Some people like party errands (flowers, food, fixing up the house, figuring out whom to invite), but I don’t.

So I’ve decided to abandon that resolution for a while.

Starting an exercise routine. Learning Italian. Cleaning the basement. We all have longstanding resolutions hanging over our heads - resolutions that we want to keep, but we don’t really make much progress towards, and which can therefore give us a feeling of powerlessness or failure. As important as it is to try to keep resolutions, sometimes you need to give up a resolution.

Sometimes, too, I think a resolution can block you. You don’t have any nice clothes because you want to lose weight. You don’t read any novels because you’ve promised yourself to read War and Peace. Letting go of one resolution might make it easier to keep other resolutions.

The thing is, I know if I’d keep the resolution to “Entertain more,” it would make me happier. But I’m going to admit to myself how happy it will make me not to keep that resolution.

How about you? Have you ever boosted your happiness when you gave up a resolution?

Courtesy of Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Michael Gartner, a Pulitzer Prize winning writer, wrote this beautiful column for USA Today about the secret to a long and rich life.

It’s about simple rituals, deep love, and yes left hand turns. Although if you live in Australia or the UK, substitute for right hand turns.

Here’s the beginning:

My father never drove a car.

Well, that’s not quite right.

I should say I never saw him drive a car. He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

“In those days,” he told me when he was in his 90s, “to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it.”

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:

“Oh, bull–!” she said. “He hit a horse.”

“Well,” my father said, “there was that, too.”

And you can read the rest here: A life without left turns by Michael Gartner.

Relationships Australia Victoria have launched a new free resource for men wanting to renovate their relationships called Renovate your relationship: A manual for men.

Full of building and project management analogies, this free book acknowledges that men, just like women:

Identify their partner as their best mate. (True for 80% of Australian Men as revealed in Men, mateship, marriage: Exploring macho myths and the way forward by Don Edgar (1997).

Want close and tender relationships with their partner.

Feel confused, hurt or betrayed when relationships do not work out.

Often do not express their emotions and sometimes their partners often fail to recognise the significant feelings that men experience.

Want closeness; to be supported, to be held.

Want a trusting, honest and loyal friend.

Want somebody to share things with; goals, hopes and values.

To achieve a better relationship, the booklet recommends 13 tools including:

Tool 2: Avoiding misunderstanding
Tool 3: Sharpening up your listening
Tool 4: Resolving conflict
Tool 8: Renovating your sex life
Tool 10: Valuing differences
Tool 13: Children - Planning for the extension

For each tool, there’s an explanation, ideas, examples and quotes from men - like this one about resolving conflict:

‘We were having the usual argument because I hadn’t cleaned up. She doesn’t realise how much I actually do. When I calmed down we were able to discuss it like two adults. I was able to admit that the point she was making was fair enough.’ Theo, 43

There are also info about where to get more help.  Because, yes, sometimes, you do need to call the plumber.

This is a good little resource.  And I hope men who need it, find it, and get building.

Renovate your relationship: A manual for men by Relationships Australia Victoria.

By Laura L.C. Johnson. First published on Positive Psychology News Daily.

In the “Love Lab,” researchers claim they can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will thrive or fail after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.

The Love Lab is actually Dr. John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute near the University of Washington in Seattle.

Gottman and his team have been studying how couples argue and resolve conflict and have followed hundreds of couples over time to see if their marriages last.

Using a scientific approach, they have found four negative factors that can predict divorce and seven positive principles that predict marital success.

The Four Horsemen
Gottman says he looks for certain kinds of negativity, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” to predict a relationship’s failure:

Criticism - Global negative statements about your partner’s character or personality.

Contempt - Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor can be poisonous because they convey disgust.

Defensiveness - This is a way of blaming your partner and can escalate the conflict.

Stonewalling - A partner may disengage from the relationship, signaled by looking away without saying anything and acting as though he/she doesn’t care about what the other is saying.

Repair attempts are efforts a couple makes to deescalate tension during conflict - “to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented.” The Four Horsemen alone predict divorce with 82% accuracy but when you add in the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy goes to 90+%.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Based on Gottman’s research, he has developed seven principles that help improve a marriage’s chances of success:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Emotionally intelligent couples are familiar with the details of each other’s world. They remember the major events in each other’s history and keep up to date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s world changes. They know each other’s goals, worries and hopes in life.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
This is one of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long-lasting marriage. It involves feeling that your partner is still worthy of honor and respect in spite of their flaws. Gottman found that 94% of the time when couples put a positive spin on their marriage’s history, they are likely to have a happy future.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
When a partner makes a bid for your attention, affection, humor or support, turning toward your partner is the basis of emotional connection. The real secret is to turn to turn toward each other in little ways every day.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You
The happiest marriages were those where the husband was able to convey honor and respect for their wife and did not resist sharing power and decision making. These husbands actively search for common ground instead of insisting on getting their way. Gottman found women were more likely to let their husbands influence them by taking their opinions and feelings into account.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
Resolving conflict involves five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise and be tolerant of each other’s faults. Some suggested practices include:

Complain but don’t blame.
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.”
Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge.
Be clear, polite and appreciative.
Don’t store things up.

6. Overcome Gridlock
Ending gridlock doesn’t mean solving the problem, but rather moving from gridlock to dialogue. Some steps are:

Learn to uncover your partner’s dreams.
Understand why each of you feels so strongly about the gridlocked issue.
Soothe each other to avoid flooding.
End the gridlock by making peace with the issue, accepting the differences between you, talking without hurting each other and compromising.

7. Create Shared Meaning
See if you can agree on the fundamentals in life. Create an atmosphere where you can speak candidly and respectfully about your values and dreams. Accept and respect that you each may have some dreams that the other doesn’t share.

How the Principles Work
Gottman did a nine-month follow-up of 640 couples who attended a two-day workshop where couples were trained in the seven principles for making marriage work. He found that the relapse rate, or return to their previous level of marital distress, was only 20% for couples who attended the workshop versus 30% to 50% for standard marital therapy.

This article first appeared on Positive Psychology News.

Laura L.C. Johnson, MBA, MA, is working toward licensure as a marriage and family therapist in California. Visit www.lauralcjohnson.com. Laura practices a positive therapy approach to help her clients learn skills to build positive emotions, optimism and resilience while decreasing unhelpful thinking, behaviors and emotions.

The Huffington Post recently published an article by Marcus Buckingham about what the happiest and most successful women do differently.

Buckingham surveyed thousands of women, and had one on one chats with those who polled highest.

They asked the following questions:

1. How often do you get to do things you really like to do?
2. How often do you find yourself actively looking forward to the day ahead?
3. How often do you get so involved in what you’re doing you lose track of time?
4. How often do you feel invigorated at the end of a long, busy day?
5. How often do you feel an emotional high in your life?

And the results, are consistent with Parent Wellbeing’s approach to Work Family Wellbeing.

There is no one size fits all

Successful women come in all shapes and sizes.  Some of them work full-time, some part-time, some are full time at home with the kids.  Some are in high-powered jobs, some are in low-paid jobs, and some run their own businesses.  Successful women find the set up that suits them and their families.

Moments are important

We’re often told to focus on plans, goals and dreams.  But what can suffer when focusing on such big picture thinking are the little moments that make up a good life.  We experience many wonderful little, positive moments in our days and weeks, either at work or with your children, family and friends.  But often we don’t acknowledge them.  Happy people acknowledge the good moments.

Acceptance

Our expectations can undo us.  One major reason for unhappiness is when our expectations don’t meet reality.  Why can’t my children get dressed in 1 minute without me having to nag, yell or assist them?  Accepting rather than resisting can help us cope better with what is.

There is no such thing as balance

If you know our work in Work Family Wellbeing, you’ll know that we don’t believe in balance.  And Buckingham’s work concurs that it’s not about balance.  It’s about what works for you.  Wellbeing is a better goal than balance.

You can read the full article at the Huffington Post.

By Jodie Benveniste, director Parent Wellbeing